Where’s the good stuff?

Well, I’ve been putting an update off since the minute I wrote the last one. I feel unsure of what to say, dreading that I have nothing upbeat to offer, and generally feeling like there isn’t a whole lot to talk about without C being part of it. The blog was always intended to serve as a tool to stay informed of his progress or hurdles. But with my 210 unanswered texts, I think it might be time to check in. Full disclosure, I have a long history of being horrible with the phone. I NEVER answer, nor check voicemail. I may or may not check texts. It’s typically on silent or in another room. I am actually the person that finds themself in the car still at home, but doesn’t go back to get it upon realizing it’s still inside. And as I’ve mentioned before, C was even worse! Hardly seems possible, but he had me beat. And with him gone, my minimal need to stay connected to my phone has waned even more. Although it might not seem like I’m appreciative, I am VERY appreciative when I look down and see the name of someone and those first two lines of greeting that show up in the banner on the screen. Thank you for checking in. I’m sorry I’m so bad about answering. No idea what you’ve said beyond the banner, but it’s nice to know y'all are out there. ☺️.

I moved out of the house, and Babs out of her guest house, on 9.30. Movers were actually on 9.28 (unintentionally on the 6 month mark of C being gone). There have been a lot of things that have landed a certain way that have left me thinking he‘s checking in, or more importantly, walking through this with me. For every time I don’t feel him around me and worry about where he is and whether he’s ok or lonely, I’m reminded with these little “coincidences”. And I’m trying really hard to believe and trust that it’s his way of letting me know.

Leaving the house was as difficult as I’d imagined. Leaving our room. A friend asked me months ago if I avoided our room or was sad going in there. On the contrary. It was the room that I felt the most comfort in, knowing he was last there. “We”did a final walk through of the house together. He and Bings had some final hangs at different places in the house in the weeks leading up. GameDay, college football, porch visits, pool/yard. To anyone else that doesn’t know me well, some of my choices might seem like I’m losing it. Do I care? Absolutely not. 🤷‍♀️ Grief, or the act of grieving, has taught me that it has to be on your own terms. One of our BFF’s Maria has helped me a lot with this. Accommodating other people, their comfort level, or the pace at which they think you should move, is too much to take on. Deep grief is not for the faint of heart. It feels like you’re suspended in a life that isn’t your own. One minute you’re laughing with someone, and the next you literally can’t grasp your own blaring reality.

Anyhoooo....C always said that jokingly when things got uncomfortable. Now seems like a perfect time to insert it. 😉 Babs and I left Dallas on 10.2. I stayed the last couple of days with our BF friends (Blake and Ashley), last check in with Jenny Adams, Marquis’, and Goldenbaums, and Babs geared up at a hotel. My mom is spending some time out East and needed her car. If The Clampett’s is not the visual you have in your mind, take a moment to adjust your internal television. My mother decided that clear plastic bins were the best packing options for her travels. MANY large clear plastic bins. I had suitcases, a Uhaul box to ship to a later destination, there were tote bags, speaker bars (I don’t know what I was thinking), snacks, snack bags, cd’s (that probably says enough about the state of travel), Craig (and I didn’t want him packed), Bingley’s favorite stuffed animal, Babs bike helmet (complete with instructions 🤔 - mind you, no bike), laundry detergent (?), winter boots for every weather scenario, and enough Purell to last a lifetime. It’s like 2 drunk people made a list of things to pack, and decided to do a final review whilst stoned.

We drove to STL to spend several days with Ellen. It was very sobering to be there without C. I have been to see Ellen before without Craig, but this time there weren’t any texts or calls with him throughout the day. It was very different.

We stayed quarantined for the most part - lots of hanging out, lots of 😳🤦🏼‍♀️🤬 at the television with political updates, looking at old pictures of C, laughing, crying, and just being The Golden Girls that we’ve dubbed ourselves. I had plans with The Bierk’s and Carpenters (Craig’s HS BF’s) for dinner. I love them, have had the pleasure of knowing them for many years now, and couldn’t feel any more welcomed and comfortable with them. But that being said, it was my first time to ever be around them without him and it was a gut punch. For all of us, I think. The realization that our friend landscape has changed, at least physically. We had a lovely dinner and night - lots of laughs and some cocktail cheers to C. They have been great friends to me and I know that will continue. Mark has logged some legit phone time with me over the last several months. Fair to say he gives me a run for my money on being chatty!

We left STL and headed to RI. Our travel-besties (The Markham’s) said we should divert and spend a few days at their house in RI (they live in Dallas so weren’t there). Craig and I spent many a Labor Day with them out East. Sooooo many ridiculously hilarious conversations, adventures, and times spent with those two over the last decade.

I had the brilliant idea of making the STL—->RI trip in one day. It’s 17.5 hours without delays. We left around 4:30am, if I recall correctly. We were taking a nap at a rest stop by 7am. 🙄 I barely slept the night before, and was head bobbing by the end of my giant yeti of coffee. We managed to get back on track and made our way through Indianapolis. It was another gut punch in a series of what I assume will be many. C had parlayed some weeks in Indi into seeing his mom in STL over the following weekend. It’s a four hour drive and he‘d head back to Indi on a Monday morning before flying home again on a Thursday. I didn’t know the route was going to take us the exact same route he’d go where we’d often spend time talking while he drove. It was a constant on my mind while Waze directed our path. Then as we made the curve past downtown Indianapolis where Craig and I had been the same time last year, one week before his diagnosis, the pain of our reality was front and center again. How are we possibly here less than a year later? So much has changed since the same week last year. Our life is no longer recognizable.

The good part of that day was the foliage. By the time we hit Ohio, everything was in its full autumnal glory! Beautiful! We couldn’t have timed it better. We drove along switching among all our besties. Berman, Camerota, Tur, Welker, Whitfield, Blitzer, Todd, Gupta....same reel....over, and over, and over again. We switched it up with a little 6-cd changer 😏 featuring JD, Carly, Indigo Girls, 10,000 Maniacs....toss in some mother/daughter bickering, and we had ourselves a bonified road trip! We opened our jar of peanut butter, grabbed our plastic spoons, and let the good times roll. As the hours wore on and I refused to admit defeat, the time change really did a doozy on my genius plan of driving straight through. It was getting darker and we had MANY hours to go. Around 8pm we decided to call it and look for a clean motel. Yes, motel. Of course we all know that ”clean” and “motel” is a bit of an oxymoron. But we had a car packed to the ceiling with clear plastic bins. Hardly ideal to leave in a likely empty Covid-era parking lot, or to lug through the lobby of a hotel. I had some dignity left. Suffice it to say, motels were quickly out of the running. We stopped at one Holiday Inn Express in a no-name town, took one look at the guys getting out of their truck, and shot out of the parking lot. Back on the highway we went. 🚙💨 Next stop....Scranton.

Scranton, PA minus Jim, Michael, Pam et al is not so charming. In fact, it sucked. It was 9pm, we were barely on speaking terms, we hadn’t eaten a meal yet that day, we’d been on the set of Deliverance in a handful of small towns, and another Holiday Inn Express was our only option. We tried to get fancy with a “nicer” hotel, but apparently the convention scene is in full swing in Scranton/Wilkes Barre. Likely without face masks. 🙊 did I say that? Oops. We checked in, grabbed the bellboy buggy, and loaded it up to head to our room. I’m without words to adequately describe our room, but it checked all the boxes to wrap up the shit show of a day. It was apparently a storage space of some kind bc nothing else could explain why so much furniture was crammed in, it had the carpet and furnishings from the set of One Day at a Time, and it was situated right next to the elevator. A no-doubt serene sleep awaited us. I grabbed a towel from the bathroom to put under Craig as I wasn’t even willing to set him down on the desk. I knew he was rolling his eyes at that move, and getting a really good laugh at our situation. A really good laugh! As children, we were never allowed to go barefoot at a hotel. As an adult, I instituted the same rule. Even for poor C. I mean it didn’t matter how many stars sat aside the hotel name, “shoes, please!!!”. I’m sure when he traveled he must have reveled at walking around barefoot. I never asked him, but I can imagine! We ordered a pizza, without plates or silverware (I always use silverware), and like savages, we tore the box in half and sat on towels. Babs ate out of the box, I ate on top of the lid, and we tuned in to Anderson Cooper. Full circle end to our day.

We made it to RI by 11am the next day. Our friend’s house is beautiful and sits right on the water. Picturesque. We settled in looking forward to the next few days of R&R. I was sick with what I assumed was a sinus infection within 24-36 hours, and off in search of a Doc-in-the-box. They didn’t feel it necessary to test for me for Covid (and I knew I’d been very careful), so they put me on a steroid pack and I went home to rest. The problem in this time of a pandemic, so much as plant the seed of doubt, and you’re sure you have Covid. So I stayed in my room the whole rest of the day/night, and Babs and I went to be tested the next morning. First come, first serve. We got there at 630am to wait until the clinic opened at 8am. Of course we both tested negative, and were back home for our final day by 10am. It was TX/OU. I mentally retraced the same weekend last year where I sat on the TX side with my friend Ashley, and Craig and my brother sat on the OU side. Same time last year having beers together at halftime....blissfully unaware of what was happening inside his body.

We left for NJ that evening and pulled into my mom’s cousin‘s house around 9pm. As she was getting out of the passenger side of the car, she accidentally slammed her leg in the door. I’ll include some pictures at the end of this update, but viewer discretion is seriously advised. It was bone deep. We went straight to the ER (until 1am) where she had to have x-rays, tetanus shot, and stitches. She was a super champ about it. Only took Tylenol for a day. 💪🏼 After that drama was over, we had several beautiful days in NJ (they live up in the hills with beautiful trees and land in abundance). We were with my mom‘s cousin and her lovely husband - lots of good chats, visiting, taking beautiful drives. I got to spend two days visiting my cousin (her daughter) that we grew up spending summers with at the shore. She lost her father less than two months ago.....❤️

And then it was time for me to head off on my own. My lifelong friend’s (Dina) driver came to fetch me and bring me back to the city where I’ve been for the last two weeks. I’m staying at Dina and her husbands guest apt adjacent to their main apt. It’s so lovely. Dina is mostly in CT, but she comes into the city every few days and we grab lunch or dinner. I’ll head to CT for a few days sometime soon and she’s coming into the city this weekend - which I will love to have the extra QT with her. We always pick up right where we left off, no matter the time in between. I’m mere blocks from Central Park and her assistant has facilitated getting me tickets to so many museums, etc. It’s a perfect combination of activities and downtime. One goal on this journey is to try to focus on getting healthy again. Gain some muscle back, try to sleep, sit still a bit. I can reserve the gym in her building for an hour each day, then I’m walking 6-12 miles/day in CP or around the city. It’s good to breathe different air, not know anyone, not have anyone care to know me. 😜 it is NYC, after all.

I met KB (Kevin Brown) for a day together last Saturday. We met down in the Wall Street area, walked all around their old stomping grounds, then walked across the Brooklyn bridge to have dinner in Dumbo. As you can tell, I’m very local now. Ha. My audacious eye contact and “excuse me‘s” betray any shot of me being a native New Yorker. KB and Jenny are meeting me tomorrow at the High Line and then we are going to The Whitney together. Thanks to Dina’s assistant, again!

Years ago, maybe before 9.11, we were in town with C’s brother Doug and his wife Stacey. I honestly can’t remember if it was for a wedding or a funeral, but we came into the city for the day. It was a Saturday, and I only remember bc we stood in Rockefeller Plaza being the buffoons jumping in the background of The Today Show. Well, I was the buffoon doing it. And it was only the weekend version at that! Anyway, among other places we were hitting in our limited time that day, The Met was one of them. I know I had gone as a child and/or teenager, but that was my first time to really go as an adult. In we go....the beautiful architecture, the central staircase, the sheer enormity of the building, the history. We go our own separate way from Doug and Stacey and within minutes, “where’s the good stuff?”. I didn’t need Craig to explain what he meant. I knew exactly where he was going with that. Where was the Thomas Crown room??? The room with all the famous shit? We were on an imaginary fast track pass to see Monet, Picasso, Vermeer. Ain’t nobody got time for ancient relics or 18th century teapots! I can’t imagine what we must have looked like.

A 20-something and a 30-something ducking through openings to peak inside rooms that might have the largest concentration of masterpieces! 😳🙈 We were in and out of The Met in a record 45 minutes. Still time to grab a cocktail before we really broke records at The Guggenheim! It was a tv exhibit. I mean really? TV’s? Oh little Craig and Ash....gotta love ‘em.

I went to The Met last week. I had to make myself leave at the 3-hour mark bc I had somewhere else to be that afternoon. And what do you know, the gang was all there! Monet, Van Gogh, Klimt, Cezanne, Degas, Picasso, Renoir....I had to laugh and tear up just thinking about our last time there. There was a moment, where frankly I wasn’t that interested in what I was seeing but I was lost, and I could hear Craig saying as clear as day, “come on, I’m done. Let’s go”. ❤️

Well, as it turns out, I guess I had more to tell than I thought. I could write another 10 paragraphs about the last two weeks in the city. It’ll have to wait for maybe another time. I’m sure anyone reading this has had their fill of me! 😬

I’ll leave you with some pictures of the last month. Again, you’ve been warned about Babs’ injury. Hope everyone is staying healthy. Hope everyone takes a moment to pause and appreciate their person. ❤️

Hope this finds you all well,

A

My Ludes on our final day ❤️

Our boy ❤️

C’s dad made collages. This was in “our” room at Ellen’s. ❤️

I mean seriously, this kid 🥰

This is road tripping with my mom 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️😴

Autumn 🍁🍂

Small sampling of our stellar stopover in Scranton

Rhode Island

I really probably shouldn’t include this. 😬 it’s the most PG version I have

Brooklyn Bridge

Trying.....