What’s for you, won’t go by you….

Oh, San Francisco….where to begin? As my year here comes to an end, I can hardly believe that in less than 2 months I will no longer call you home…

Back in January, we went to see a “musical” (think more Cirque du Soleil) called ‘Dear San Francisco’.

The synopsis:

A love letter to the city. A celebration of its storied history with all its quirks and charms.

And it was just that. A spectacular acrobatics show with each new scene somehow representing a period or event in SF’s history. The performers effortlessly flew around the stage jumping through hoops, riding bikes, and flying back and forth between vertical poles. The show was a whirlwind 90 minutes long. I’d say the love letter was more of a love post-it note. There was both original and recognizable music throughout. And of course, the final scene played out with the audience members singing along to San Francisco (Scott McKenzie). It was at Club Fugazi in North Beach. The Grateful Dead held their first album release party there in 1967.

I have loved coming to San Francisco for many years. Morgan used to live here (for most of his 20’s). Maria has primarily lived here since her college years. And I have always appreciated its beauty, its climate, and the endless outdoor activities at one’s disposal. But as I've spent more time here, I have come to appreciate its history with all its quirks and charms. 👆🏼It is so unique. Distinct. There just isn’t another city like it. It seems most people aren't actually from here, but I’ve met the occasional unicorn both born and raised in SF. 🦄 It has welcomed me with open arms just by way of its diversity and inclusiveness. Everyone here has a story. I find comfort in that. In not being in a place where everyone fits a similar mold. Family, children, politics, and values aligned. I like that you never know what you are going to get here. Don’t get me wrong - I value and appreciate the aforementioned. However, I find at this moment in my life I prefer the surprise of the unknown.

And the unexpected bonus……they make southern charm look like it originated here. At least that has been my experience. I’ve yet to meet a stranger.

When I came here last August (about 1.5 years without C), my heart was so heavy and broken. Year one is dramatically different from year two. You can’t know that until you’re in it. Year one is a fog. I was idling on empty. I was going through the motions, I was trying to survive. When I lost Craig, my identity essentially abandoned me. I wasn’t connected to anything. I couldn’t find a connection to anything. Not even myself. It’s exhausting to not know who you are. That kind of exhaustion where you start thinking….I just can’t keep doing this. There is a calm resignation. An acceptance that you are slowly disappearing. And it’s not alarming or scary. And that's unsettling in itself. I was numb. I remember being on a flight with some serious turbulence in the Fall of 2020. My worst nightmare. I HATE turbulence. And the fear was just gone. It had disappeared. No white-knuckling. No looking around for reassurance that we'd be ok. I felt nothing. I thought, “ok”. Nothing could be worse than losing him, so again, numb. I just didn’t care.

When my role as mama and wife was erased, my sense of belonging vanished. Before that, I had a strong sense of self. I knew my opinions, convictions, and feelings about things, but this was different. In addition to the debilitating sadness, the longing to just touch and see them again, I was confronted with an entire life we had built that disappeared before my eyes. All sense of stability was gone. The emotional and the tangible. I chose to sell our house and pack up our life so quickly, but I couldn’t breathe and it was inevitable at some point. I felt like I was trapped just below the surface of my skin. It was like in those sci-fi futuristic movies when someone is in a membrane or pod and trying to claw their way out. I could see the outside through a watery lens. Not quite clear. But I just couldn’t reach it. I felt emotionally paralyzed. All I could see was him dying, over and over again in my head. Those last 8-12 hours. I can recount every second. I don’t use the word ‘dying’. Or ‘dead’. Or ‘died’. It’s more than two years later and I can’t bring myself to embrace that language. The language that is the truth. I prefer to say ‘when he left’ or ‘he is gone’ or ‘I lost him’. The D-word rests uncomfortably on my tongue. I remember saying it once to my brother. I saw him instantly recoil. He asked me to please never refer to Craig in that way again. It wasn’t a request, it was a demand.

Once here in SF, I was transitioning between years 1 to 2. At that point, I know I was very in tune with the feelings I was having. I could identify fear, depression, sorrow, and desperation. Acutely. Year two doesn’t afford you the “gift” of detached survival. Your lens becomes clearer. You FEEL all the pain and loss deep down in your bones. You can’t ignore or sweep it under the rug. I mean I guess you can….I chose to feel it. Time had allowed me to step back a little. See it from a more objective viewpoint. Maybe it’s like that conversation when Maria explained trauma therapy. The ability to break it down into pieces/segments so that your brain can better handle the magnitude of emotion. While I allowed all the emotions to come, I wasn't consciously working on repairing them, but with each hike, each road trip leading to a new adventure, and each pause to notice another beautiful sunset, I physically felt my heart start to lighten.

Being alone has been sobering. Let me rephrase. Not being alone, physically. I function fine that way. That doesn’t make me feel lonely. Shoot, I couldn't possibly feel lonely, I am showered by the most loyal and attentive friends. They haven’t wavered for one moment since the day of diagnosis. They have always been by my side - devoted and diligent long before we ever could have seen this coming. So no wonder their protective and nurturing natures went into overdrive. But ultimately, I feel alone. I am alone. It’s simply the reality. There is a big difference between being lonely and alone. I am more than aware that MANY people live this reality. Every decision is ultimately yours alone. Huge ones or inconsequential ones. With the little things, like a trip, going to a museum, and eating dinner out, I have to start from a place of choosing to go on my own. If anyone else can, great. The icing on the cake. And for some people, this is second nature. They’ve done it for years! That just wasn’t my reality. I’ve had to get comfortable with it. And I don’t ever want to be fearful. I don’t want to miss out on experiences or adventures because I'm too uncomfortable doing them by myself. So I continue to push my comfort zone. I refuse to be guided by self-doubt. That’s the thing with loss - you have no idea what it is going to bring out in you. Sure, it tests your strength. Your poise. Your ability to pull yourself up. Those are the things we notice, we applaud. But it also triggers insecurity. It makes you question your abilities. Those are the things we hide. We reserve, torturing ourselves internally.

As year two silently snuck along beside me, patiently encouraging me to grow and heal, I finally decided to stop waiting around for my grief to make a move. I don’t know what I thought that move would be? Did I think I’d one day wake to find it had done a midnight run? “I’m outta here, Ashley. I’m giving you your heart back. I’ve overstayed my welcome.” Nope, that’s not how grief works. I realized it was time for us to find a way to coexist. And what that means is the heavy lifting is all on me. Grief is going to firmly plant its feet, but I have the choice to decide whether to carry it with me as a companion, rather than a burden or to keep fighting with it. Every. Single. Day. I’m choosing the former. I have accepted it is simply part of who I am now. It is not leaving me. Grief is like this little spirit following in my shadow. It is always there…hovering closely behind me. It is waiting for a song, or word, or place, or memory, any opportunity to tap me on the shoulder. But I have recognized it is not there to break me. It is there to remind me I was loved. Sometimes it’s a cruel reminder of the future we didn’t get, but more often it’s my heart needing a moment to make space for a sudden and abundant surge of love. It doesn’t take me down anymore. It gives me plenty of nudges, often, but I recover from them now. We huddle together and have our moments, some last longer than others, but it eventually falls back in my shadow and sends me along my way. And that's really what it is. This grief. It’s love firmly planting its feet. Enduring.

This city has given me so much. Taught me so much. More than words could ever explain. I have laughed so hard that I can barely catch my breath. I cried until I thought I would break.

One of my new lifer BF’s (Nicole) likes to make fun of my word use or phrases. She is 34. I am not. 😂 Colloquialisms? Age-related phrases? Regional phrases?

• Goodnight Irene (one of her personal favorites)

• Heavens to Betsy

• High hill of beans/hill of beans

• 6 or ½ dozen

The list goes oooooonnnn and on. She is funny. We end up in hysterics over many things that come out of my mouth, and her no-nonsense take on them. All of which seem perfectly normal to me! I remember one day having to pull over the car because neither of us could see through the tears of laughter. We literally couldn’t breathe. 😂 that one was over my use of the “witness protection program”. Don’t ask….

The twist, and satisfying part for me, is she routinely uses old person speak now too! Karma is a real bitch, Nicole! 😂

As y’all know, C and I are/were huge Avett Brothers fans. So when my PICs Blake and Ashley said, “no pressure, but we got you a ticket to the Avett Brothers…” my booty jumped on a plane to Dallas without a second thought. Don’t have to ask me twice! The concert was 5 de Mayo. Jenny Adams went with us too.

We didn’t think there was an opening band because none was listed. This seemed unusual. But when a duo came out on stage and started strumming their first song, my tears were already flowing. They are called Shovels and Rope. This obscure little married duo. They were C’s find several years ago. We listened to them all the time. They are constantly in rotation on my playlist. They had been on hiatus. This was their first performance back. At my show. It wasn't a coincidence. There were a few subtleties of signs during their performance that I will keep in my heart, just between us. Messages I know he was sending me.

It was an amazing show. Avett Brothers never disappoints. It was the first time Blake and Ashley had seen them. I think Jenny too. I can’t even really articulate the vibe that night. He wasn’t subtle. He was all over the place. Truly. All 4 of us FELT him.

Then halfway through the concert Traci Goldenbaum randomly texted me about Max (C’s godson) talking about his “godfather” that afternoon on a bike ride. I had given C’s bike to Mike. T rides it too and apparently, little Max thinks the position of the handlebars is “awesome”. She said that while out riding that afternoon he said, “when that was my godfather's bike he must have been really fancy when he’d put his hands there.” She agreed and said, “ya know, you’re right. Craig was pretty fancy”. ☺️ She had no idea I was in town at the concert.

The next day I received a message from a work friend of C’s. Jen Oler texted me a screenshot of a funny back and forth exchange between them. We hadn’t spoken since his celebration last October.

Later that day my friend Rebecca randomly sent me a picture of Craig on the sofa in our living room. No context. No reason. Just sent it.

My mom had been having trouble with her playlist (no doubt end-user error 😳🤦‍♀️), and she hadn’t been able to access it for months. It started working that day. The first song that came on….No Hard Feelings.

A couple of days later a random friend I hadn’t spoken with in many months reached out. Out of nowhere. Not someone who is part of my life, but seemed like the timing came when it mattered.

I believe Craig made his way back into this world and used every resource he could find to spend some time with me, with us. I needed a visit from him and he delivered in spades.

I could feel him the whole night. Physically feel him next to me. Laughing, singing, just enjoying being back with us for a few moments. And the closing song…..No Hard Feelings…..the four of us were in tears. It was a rare and otherworldly experience that we will forever have together.

After I got back from the concert in Dallas, C came to me in a dream. On 5.13.22 That has maybe only happened 1-2 other times since he has been gone. We were moving (just as I will soon be doing) - we had this enormous moving truck but we had a bunch of edibles in it and were trying to avoid the police. Ha ha ha. And then at some point, we were back in an old SUV of mine and going to a movie with friends at the Inwood. But we were worried about all of our suitcases in the back. You could see them through the hatchback (are they still called hatchbacks? Old person phrase?). He was in a sport coat. He was still dipping. I said his AML would come back (“do you want your AML to come back”?). All of a sudden I asked him if I should tell Dr. B that he was alive. He said “no”. And then I started realizing we had had a celebration of life for him and that I was with him when he left this world. And I said, “this doesn’t make any sense. I saw you”. I was crying. And then he started crying too and we realized he wasn’t alive, somehow. We just sat there, staring at each other, tears streaming down our faces, the silent and knowing exchange between us. He wasn’t going to stay. He had to go back. I woke up.

There is a saying. I think it’s an Irish proverb. ‘What’s for you, won’t go by you’, or ‘what’s meant for you won’t pass you by’. I find it comforting. It means that if something is meant for you, you will have it. If it isn’t, then you won’t. Pretty straightforward. I’m not a huge believer in fate (which is sort of where the proverb is coming from), but I do like the message to stop worrying about things. Leave it alone, and it will be if that’s what’s intended. I think C reminds me of that. He himself - the way he lived his life, accepted what did or didn't come to him. In business, in love, in health, in life. He worked for what he wanted, but he didn’t force things to happen. He realized there was much in life simply out of his control. I think he tries to whisper this to me. Be open, give yourself permission to live, and let things come to you…if you’re meant to have them, you will. Maybe certain experiences or people are for a moment in time. Better left where you found them. But let it all come as it may. Including him. He hasn’t abandoned me. He is giving me space. He will keep coming to me - because what is for you, won’t go by you. ❤️

During my time here I have consciously welcomed every emotion as it came. No small feat for me. I’m finding a way to love my Ludes from the deepest places in my heart, and still permit myself to make a life. I’ve finally accepted that moving forward doesn’t have to mean I’m leaving him behind. I have been exactly where I needed to be. I don’t think this could have happened anywhere else. My heart is full. Nourished. I feel peaceful. I know Craig’s hand is in all of this. Guiding me when I couldn’t see my way. Leading me where I needed to be led. Bringing people into my life that I need. San Francisco and these cherished friends helped bring me back to life. My ‘family’ - I will miss them beyond measure. I can’t imagine not seeing them every day. ❤️

I am forever grateful for being here in what I’ve come to realize has been a year of profound healing. A year of finding a balance between the old me and the new me……

There is still much on my list for my remaining time here. Friends still coming to visit.

I just did Tahoe—>Red Rocks—>Napa with different friends. I am soaking up all of it. The views are prettier, the colors are more vibrant, the music fills my soul. I feel light. My friends make me laugh, they comfort me, I adore them. I cherish every irreplaceable memory we are making. I am happy.

Hope this finds you all well,

A

https://open.spotify.com/track/77qBwefBIdzymXNCuAI8YX?si=Snf5V1VMSQWC0tYzwT12Ig

San Francisco 6.6.22

Napa with Nicole 👯‍♀️

Napa

Sassy Nicole

Red Rocks 5.30.22

Red Rocks

Tahoe

Maria & Oscies ❤️

Lake Tahoe

The Greek - Lord Huron - one of C and my favorite bands