I took a writing course….and never typed another word 😳

That was over a year ago. Well, my last post was almost 1.5 years ago. The writing course was 14 months ago. I would like to say, “I don’t know what happened”. But 2023 happened, and I was at a loss for the right words. As I had mentioned in my November 2022 post, I was going to Palm Springs to take a course with Christie Tate and her carefully selected dozen or so writers. And I loved it. I learned so much in those 5 days. I was coming in as green as one can. A complete novice with pen in hand. We workshopped all day, gave constructive criticism….diplomatically suggested as, “I see an opportunity here for you to….”. I had to chuckle. Everyone should take a page from this “gentle mentoring” and try it out with your significant other.

Wife to husband: Ugh. You’re not wearing those, are you???                              

Wife revamped: While those dad jeans look great on you, I think there’s a real opportunity to look even hotter in the new jeans I bought you. 

Husband to wife: Dick is leaving Jane. That’s all he said.                             

Husband revamped: Sounds like Dick is planning on leaving Jane. I got called into a meeting, but I think there’s a real opportunity for me to circle back for some details. ***said no man ever

I left the retreat on a real high. I couldn’t believe how differently I saw the approach to writing. My mind was swirling with ideas, confidence, and inspiration. What would be my first topic? Maybe something funny - a new blog about trying out dating (I’ll come back to that). My friends and I had started joking about it a while back. It had to be a bottomless source of entertainment, right? Mostly for them, so they could hear/read the stories. 🙄 I wasn’t invested enough to care. It would be an anthropological study in dating! 

Since high school, I have always dated while assuming the Heisman position. If you aren’t familiar with the trophy, please pause and do a quick google search. It paints a good picture. One very safe emotional arms length between me and some poor guy. 1 step forward, 3 steps back. For being such a bad dancer, I’m quick on my feet. I take that waltz step backward, and keep on going until I’ve left the ballroom!

2023: The year started off well. Austin came to an end mid-January. It was a pretty amazing 4+ months. I reconnected with old college friends, saw regular friends that I don’t see nearly enough, and made incredible new friends. Like really ride or die friendships. I know how many times I have sung the praises of the people in my life, but my cup runneth over. Time and time again. I made two new guy friends. I love my lifelong guy friends. They are special friendships. C and I always felt it was ridiculous that people get weird about having opposite gender friends. Friends are friends. Regardless of anatomy. Conversations are so different between male friends vs female friends. And both of these new friends are single (*were in the beginning). I have very few single friends. Their perspective is so interesting. My friendship with Matty B was instantaneous. We were long lost kindred spirits. I adore him. He’s a bit of an old soul/Renaissance man. We went to see countless live music shows, ate the best food at every restaurant in Austin, drank incredible wine (he was a sommelier in another life), and laughed until we cried. Literally! I still talk to him all the time and see him on the regular. I use him for an excuse to see his dog Gus too. 😉 And the bonus - his girlfriend, Luisa. I met her a few months ago, and apparently we both separately said to Matty, “Don’t F this up for me. I really want her to be my friend”. 😂

My other new bestie is Benjamin. I met him through Drew & Stacy Mackintosh at their NYE party in 2022. He had just passed the year anniversary of losing Rachel (his wife). They had even less time than we did, to say goodbye. They have 3 children. The tie runs deep between us. We have conversations that are almost impossible to have with anyone else. I have them with Jenny Adams too. There are things you feel. Things I’m not sure anyone can understand that hasn’t been in this position. I remember JH (my therapist) asking me how it felt to be ahead of him in time. To recognize I had moved beyond the one year mark, where he was then. To give guidance or support knowing I’d survived those first 12-24 months. It felt awful. That’s how it felt. He and I talk about that. Progress doesn’t really provide relief. It’s simply a reminder you’re that much further away from the last time you touched them. I am glad if there are moments of insight or clarity that I have gleaned, ones I can pass along to Benjamin. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to ease someone’s pain. But…..it’s a double edged sword. As much as I can’t imagine trying to survive those first two years again, if I’m honest, I’m kind of envious he’s still there.

He has done some dating. I give advice - not sure he should take it. 🤣 We’ve had some seriously good laughs about that. Omg. His dating stories. Maybe the *new blog should be a collection of dating stories from different people!?!💡🤔 We talk often. Sometimes it’s a quick check in. We’ve become like family. He’s my ‘slightly’ younger brother. We want the best for one another. He once said to me, in regard to dating….,”it’s like you’re playing the same instruments, but the music is different”. I think that was beautifully said.

I moved at the end of February 2023. I rented a place downtown. It’s a townhouse with a rooftop deck that has great views of the Dallas skyline. The move went smoothly. I had 3 besties (Carrie, Rebecca, Francesca) who helped me manage it. They were with me from the time we met the movers, until late that night, 🩷 unpacking loads of kitchen boxes! I spent two weeks unpacking. Mostly alone. It’s how I needed to do it. For emotional reasons, and also because I’m pretty OCD. I can’t stand a mess. I’d wake up at 1am to tackle my closet. Full of energy! Eventually it started feeling like a “home”. Not necessarily my home, but a home. It was surprisingly relaxing to be back amongst our belongings. It was also disorienting. To see them in a place that wasn’t where they belong. I feel like I’ve just floated a little through this house, sometimes like a guest. Passing from one room to the next, recognizing the objects, but not sure how they fit in this home’s life. Not exactly sure whose life belongs to this home….it’s hard to explain. With time it is getting more comfortable, but it’s still hard to wrap my head around this space. As in the “space” I occupy in life. I’ll come back to this. Oh, yay. 🙄

I wasn’t here for long before some existing travel plans started back up. I went back to Austin, went to see my mother-in-law, went OOT to visit some friends for Easter, went on a fantastic trip with Blake and Ashley to Colorado, and then off to San Francisco for Maria’s surprise 50th birthday party at the beginning of June! It was perfect. Favi (her fiancé) planned it to a tee! The CO trip was to go see Lord Huron at Red Rocks. They are one of my faves and B/A love them too. I had seen them several other places, but getting to see them at my all-time favorite venue - with my partners in crime - um, yes! And C showed up! I’ll share it another time. The trip was everything one would expect that knows the 3 of us (morons) when we get together. Nonstop laughter, jockeying to tell the next story, late night jam sessions - minus any instruments or vocal talent. We think we are solving the world’s problems. So full of insight. So clever. None of it being true. 😜 

I’d been back from SF for about a week, and while out to dinner with Jenny, I got a call that Craig’s mom had tripped over a curb and fallen. After one of her friends called me, I spoke with the ICU doctor and asked how serious it was. She said I didn’t need to come that night, but I should come the next morning. I jumped on a plane and went straight to the hospital. I wasn’t at all prepared for what I found. She was in ICU. Her face, and most of her side, looked tie-died in black/blue/purple. She had broken her arm, and had multiple facial fractures. But that wasn’t the worst of it. She wasn’t “there”. Cognitively. I knew there had been bleeding on the brain from speaking to the neurologist, but this was much worse than I had expected. When I finally went back to her house that night, I remember just sitting in a chair. Staring at the wall. I knew right then that it was going to be a mountain to climb. And I also knew I’d never be able to leave her in any state even close to where she currently was. Not because someone else wouldn’t help, but because I couldn’t let go. For Craig, for Ellen, for me. And so the summer started. We stayed in the neuro ICU for about 4 days, then moved into the normal neuro wing for a couple more. Of course my sister-in-law, niece/nephew, and so many friends came daily. I went back to patient advocate mode. I got there at the crack of dawn and usually stayed until she went to sleep. There were plenty of offers to let me go home and someone else stay, and sometimes I accepted. Everyone wanted to help. I just knew the importance of one person knowing EVERYTHING that goes on all day long. Especially when it comes to neuro. I went through so much of it with C. And I knew she was scared. And that alone made me firmly plant my feet. She slowly started to return to varying degrees of normal. We eventually transferred to an in-patient rehab facility. My 50th was quickly approaching and I had plans to meet Manuel/Annamary/Lauren in Vancouver. I asked Ellen how she felt about me maybe going. She didn’t really mince words. 😂 You gotta love my mother-in-law. She basically said it was unfortunate to miss it, but….message received! And so it went! One of her besties Jan 💕 made a little bday party in Ellen’s room. A little cake, shrimp cocktail, cards, decorative tableware. Two other friends came to celebrate. Me and my Golden Girls. 🎈👯‍♀️👯‍♀️ I changed my return flight to open-ended and STL became my temporary home. The days were very long. Very emotional. She had PT, OT, and speech daily. She was exhausted. And she was 84. This was no small feat. We had little scares of things going wrong, periods where she would seemingly disappear behind her eyes. Her words wouldn’t come. And then 5 minutes later, or 5 hours later, there she was! Back to normal. I remember crying to C one night on my way back to her house. I just told him he needed to either find a way to heal her, or he needed to come get her. I couldn’t allow her to exist this way. She would never want to live like this. I knew that - she and I had spoken about it. She made me promise one day when they thought she was having a TIA. I talked to him many nights on the drive home. Sleep became all but impossible. I needed to start managing her daily life - bills, etc. Nothing was online or auto-draft. Snail mail and checks. I knew that wasn’t tenable. This was going to be a long road and I needed a modern way to manage it. She had a shockingly perfect recall when I’d ask her about something - a bill, a doctor's name, whatever. It was nuts. But then you’d ask her my name and it would stump her. Her brother, Uncle George, flew in for 5 days at the beginning of July and I flew home. The day he left, I came back. I grew very close to Uncle George and Aunt Joan last year. I’d always been incredibly fond of them, but this was different. This was really about being family. Being there for one other. We spoke almost daily.

I have called my MIL, “Mrs. Rawls” since the day I met her. Never have I called her Ellen. I walked in the hospital Day 1 and she was Ellen. It’s very hard to nurture with the formality of “Mrs”. At least for me. She quickly went from Ellen to Elle/Ellie. So much so that the nursing staff started calling her by those names. 😬 Not sure  she loved that. We had some hilarious moments!! Omg - I got to know my MIL more intimately than I ever could have imagined. My mother had been knocked over by a horse a few months prior to Ellen - I’m making that sound so commonplace! I had flown out to NJ for 10 days to help with her. I am modest. I haven’t changed in front of my mother in 40 years. I shared more intimate encounters with those two women than I ever thought possible. 😂 we couldn’t stop laughing about it. Their discomfort, my discomfort. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do! 

I started planning for her eventual exit from rehab. We decided to do an additional two weeks at a step down rehab. Her choice. This was now August, if I recall correctly. It gave us addt’l concentrated time in rehab, and allowed me to start interviewing for 24hr in-home care. She couldn’t be there by herself. The hope was with a couple of months of round-the-clock, daily out-patient PT, we’d be able to scale back on the hours. I had some very honest conversations with her about what the coming months would look like. She had the job of trying her hardest in rehab, and I/we would manage the rest. I vetted the heck out of about 5 different recommendations. Some fell through, some didn't pass the vetting process, but I eventually landed on one I felt best fit her personality and needs. ✔️

I had committed months prior to Tia Camp with my Austin nieces (Ford and Lila). I flew home and immediately had them in Dallas for about 8-10 days. We swap them in Waco and off we go. Aunt/nieces and girl time! I love having them! We have been doing it since they were babies. 💕 It was our first time back with Tia camp since I left Dallas in 2020. Of course I’ve seen them a lot, but not to come and stay with me. 

Ellen had moved from rehab to home while I was in Dallas. Her friends and my SIL handled it all. There had been a glitch with another short hospital stay, but things looked like they were improving. Slowly but surely. But for a few days Ellen sounded really odd on the phone. Quite the opposite of improvement. She had another MRI. After I dropped the girls back in Waco, the neurologist called to discuss the results. They weren’t good. She needed an emergency craniotomy the following morning. We had her transported to the hospital and I caught a flight out that night and went straight to see her. She knew the risks of the surgery, and the immediate outcome without it. We spoke at length. She wanted the surgery. 

Technically, it was successful. It stopped the bleeding. The risks for permanent damage at her age were high. She never really rebounded after surgery. She never knew my name again. I knew she knew me, but couldn’t recall the name. Nor hers, nor her sons….she tried so hard to find the words and they just wouldn’t come. She could speak, but it didn’t make sense. The words were discernible. They just didn’t correspond with the question asked. Much like in rehab. She was in there, you could see it in her eyes, but her brain and motor skills couldn’t catch up. I’d ask her if she was ok in there and she’d say she was. She was frustrated. It broke my heart. Within the next day or two, she said she was ready to go home. I mean, really go home. She didn’t want to go to another rehab, or start all over again. Her deficit felt insurmountable at that point. She hadn’t walked unassisted in nearly two months. And I understood. I respected her position. My nephew (Zac) came to the hospital. She asked me to call him. He is her favorite person. This is common knowledge. ❤️ One of her best friends was there too. She became very lucid. We spoke with Ellen for hours. Asking her if she understood what “going home” meant. She did. She spoke at length with her neurologist. She was very clear with her wishes. And I was determined to see them through. She stopped all medical treatment while we waited to make hospice arrangements. I stayed in her room that night. Twice that evening she begged me to promise I was going to get her home. She talked a lot during the night. Not to me. She spoke briefly to her father. She repeatedly kept saying, “mama”. I knew who that was. The ONLY person that ever used that word was C. Ellen didn’t call her mother that. Over and over again…., “mama, mama”. I knew he was there. With her. We went home the next day. It was a Friday. I stayed alone with her that night. At my request, my SIL and nephew came and set up a cot for me in her room. My brother-in-laws cot from Boy Scout outings with my nephew. She was in her own home, in her own room, surrounded with the memory of her people. George and Joan arrived the next morning. Her lifelong friends drove hours and hours to arrive at her side. To say goodbye. She was pretty alert for the first few days. Stacey (my SIL) took charge of taking care of all of us. She always had meals at the ready. Ellen’s friends came in a steady stream as they had since Day 1. I adore those women. They took wonderful care of Ellen. And me. My niece and nephew came often. Joan and I had our system of meds. I was able to get her night nurse back to help me bathe her, turn her every two hours, and keep her comfortable. I stayed in her room because it terrified me to think she might call out and someone would not hear her. I sometimes crawled in bed with her and held her hand. I wasn’t ready to let her go. It came on fast. Or so it felt. She was the last tangible connection I had to C, and I loved her. The last lucid moment with her was one I’ll never forget. I needed to talk to her. She opened her eyes and looked at me. I cried and told her that I was sorry it was me who was there with her. That I knew she wished it was one of her “guys”. She cried too. She acknowledged what I was saying. I told her how much she meant to me. How much I loved her. I asked her to please hug C for me. I told her I was jealous she was going to be with him. I reminded her she would be seeing them soon. We cried and hugged. It was one of the most profound experiences I have ever had. I can’t remember what day that was, but on Wednesday, 5 days after we came home, I saw the change coming. I knew what it looked like. At one point I texted George from her room and told him I thought he needed to come back in. It was time. He sat next to her, stroking her arm and speaking words of comfort, allowing her to let go. I kneeled in front of her and held her hand, about 15 minutes later she took the most quiet and peaceful breath. It was her last….

I felt Craig like I’ve never felt him before. I knew he was right there. I could have reached out and touched him. I don’t know how to explain it. She was with her people. All four of them, back together again. 

To say it is a privilege to spend that kind of time with someone wouldn’t do it justice. The gift of helping to peacefully usher another person from this life into the next is indescribable. It is a gift. A heartbreaking one, but a soul-shifting, life-changing gift. I needed to be with her when she took her last breath. It was vitally important to me. And I will carry those weeks deep in my heart for the rest of my life. 

We lost Ellen on August 18th, and she found her peace that same day. ❤️

We decided to postpone a Celebration of Life for about two months. There were some scheduling issues in general, but I think the family really bent over backwards to accommodate me. I had two big trips previously planned, and I desperately needed some time to catch my breath. It had been a really painful summer. After I came home, I had my high school girlfriend's 50th bday trip to Vail. I think 15 of the 17 made it! We had a beautiful home (graciously lent to one of our friends), and the trip was bliss. Hiking, park yoga, Vail Village strolls, patio lunches, catered dinner with beautiful wine pairings, and The Steve Miller Band at Red Rocks. People came and went. I stayed the whole week. There is nothing like a lifetime of history. The stories. Lawd help us! 😂 The trip brought comfort to a lot of us. There have been painful losses in the last year. Too many of my friends have lost their mothers. Friends on this trip. Friends outside of this group. Stacy Mackintosh lost her mother, Sue Golden. One of a kind. The MATRIARCH of our high school years.👑 Monica de la Cerda lost her mother, Mary Jo Dorn. C and my surrogate mother for many years. She was the first person to text me every time I posted an update. Always, without fail. MJ would text the kindest words of support and encouragement. ❤️ And that’s a life changing moment. The loss of one’s mother. I am blessed to still have mine. Monica also lost her boyfriend three weeks after her mother. 🙏🏼

Upon my return from Vail, I was immediately gearing up for trip #2. Much earlier that summer (before Ellen’s fall), Norman (our super close friends Norman/Chela & C’s business partner bestie) called me one morning. He reminded me Chela’s 60th was coming up and asked if I could join them in Positano for a surprise birthday trip. He was inviting only 4 other people, and I was one of them. “Of course”, I said. He had rented a villa overlooking the water and would send me the dates. I woke up the next morning to an email from his EA and my already purchased plane ticket. 😳 huh? This is soooooo Norman!!! So generous! The trip was amazing! The Amalfi coast with the OG’s of Italy. They’ve been going forever. They know every secret haunt, the best restaurants, the coolest day trips. It was BEYOND 🙏🏼. And the look on Chela’s face when we jumped out and surprised her. Priceless. 

I headed back to St. Louis a few days after Italy. We were having Ellen’s celebration, and then I needed to start the business of selling the house, car, etc. The dismantling of someone’s life. 😔 I was there from mid-October to the weekend ending Thanksgiving. We managed to do it all. The morning I left her house was to be the last. There was almost nothing left in it. In some ways it was like the final walk through ours. Another door closing on a life gone by. It was painful to close that door.

I came back to Dallas to immediate company. Manuel and fam had been on the schedule for months prior. There was no reason to cancel, but I was on autopilot. Shortly after they left, I went to Austin. I wanted to see my nieces, friends, attend a Christmas party, meet the new girlfriends of my buddies. I made it back to Dallas about a week before Christmas. And I was done. Frankly, it was the first time I had stopped in years. I hadn’t spent 4 consecutive weeks in Dallas since I had moved here at the end of February, and my adrenaline had dried up. I felt like I was walking around covered in a weighted blanket. I was drained. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I bowed out on the holidays with my family. They understood. I went over to a friend's house for a few hours on Christmas and on my way home that evening a lady careened into the side of me. To put it mildly. Are you kidding me? It really felt like a giant Fuck You from the Universe. The final blow to a really crappy year. It was C’s car, and it was totaled. And there I was. Downtown on Christmas. Alone. Yep - seemed about par for the course….

Not only was there the inconvenience of having to buy a new car, but it was C’s. It was another tangible goodbye. I arguably have an unhealthy relationship with inanimate objects. That’s a topic for another day. Writing this update has been challenging enough. And your eyes are probably getting tired of my words. The list is long though. But that was a tough one. I had a meaningful goodbye with it at the junkyard a few weeks later. 

Abrupt turn of topic: I have spent some time dating. Not a ton. Those are words I never would have spoken if Ellen was still here. It would have upset her, and I would never have wanted to do that. I’ve fortunately had very positive experiences. Very nice, considerate, quality guys. I recently stopped seeing someone I had met in Austin in the Fall of 2022. We dated for a year. Casually. But casual is never as casual as it sounds. The more time spent together inevitably includes more shared experiences. You’re each there for painful or challenging life moments. To lend support. There are deeper and more thoughtful conversations. There is a tenderness that comes with time. These moments bond you to one another.

We ended things several months ago. Of course on a kind and thoughtful note. I don’t do chaos. I need to keep things genuine, respectful, calm. He was the same. If things ended poorly, it would leave me questioning the whole relationship. How do people spend so much time together and then behave badly in the end? My brain doesn’t work that way. Friendships end. Relationships end. That’s reality. That doesn’t mean those relationships weren’t incredibly important, and they deserve the respect and care that they hopefully bestowed. Sometimes it is hard to find the words. And unfortunately, sometimes the words fall on deaf ears. Thankfully not in this case. I think we both said what we felt and knew why it was ending.

It has been bittersweet to walk away from him. Saying goodbye to someone with whom I felt connection, and really appreciated having in my life. But not every relationship is met with permanency. Some come out of nowhere, to teach lessons you didn’t know you needed , and then you carve out a special place in your memories to hold another person that touched your heart. Amidst a year of unending emotional discomfort, the time together brought so much laughter, encouragement, and joy. We were well matched with wit and repartee. There were some really hilarious moments. There was also a lot of support. Especially during Ellen. And I will always cherish that part. 

One of my lessons came with the realization that there is space within me to care about someone else, feel loving attachment, and recognize that it didn’t take anything away from Craig. I just found more space I didn’t know I had. And for that, I am eternally grateful for my year with him. The other, more painful lesson, was in realizing if I am ever to have a meaningful relationship, I am going to have to bring C into it. I rarely spoke of him, us, our relationship. Anything too personal. I absolutely came at it compartmentalized - treating it (rather, me) as two very separate people/lives. And they aren’t. Both exist within me. You can’t know me, without knowing Craig….but I still couldn’t find the emotional path to include him. And I think it was probably very clear that it was a topic….off limits. It felt like a betrayal to C if I talked about him. It also felt like a burden to trust that it wasn’t going to be too much for the other person. That feels heavy to me. How does one introduce devastating sorrow? At what point? Or how does one minimize it and discuss it like everyday conversation? Regardless, what I know is, C has to be part of it. It’s impossible to keep up that front. It’s exhausting to be “on” all the time. I have to learn to share that part of me. To have someone who can help shoulder the weight of that pain. Because grief never surrenders. I can carry most of it on my own, I’d prefer to, but there are moments I need help. And that’s been hard to accept. There is a constant battle between keeping it all inside and wanting to exhale it all out. And finding the balance to yield just enough in one direction and then the other.

“The wound is where the light enters you” - Rumi. This resonates. I think it’s a beautiful visual. By sharing our pain or fear, the cracks in our lives, it cultivates deeper connection.  Little cracks to allow new things to grow. To allow someone to better know and understand you….this is going to take some real work for me. The same words that flow naturally on paper always seem to become lodged in my throat.

No one can prepare you for dating at this age. It is NOT a walk in the park. I really might have to write a separate blog. 🤔 From single dates, to failed dates that formed invaluable friendships, I have some pretty hilarious stories. It’s not the same world where I left off in 1998 (when I met C). People have baggage!!! Unlike me, they might not be coming from a supportive and loving past. They have a million other priorities. Career, children, ailing parents, friends, hobbies. It ain’t easy to find a valuable rung on which to perch on their ladder of life. And I’d guess I’m not exactly the desirable candidate for divorced dads with children still at home. With my parentless choice, my ever changing landscape and travel schedule, and my independence, I’m not sure I’m screaming potential long term partner. I don’t know. Maybe I’m projecting my own shit on myself. But if I was a bettin’ gal….

As far as dating goes, that brings us to the present. I’m on a dating sabbatical. I need a minute. Emotionally. Mentally. To close a chapter. That, I know for sure.

So here I sit on the eve of Year 4. March 28th is upon us. How? I don’t know. I have spent the last few months sitting still. It has been extremely uncomfortable. I did dry January, which kind of turned into dry February, then dry March. That doesn’t mean there haven’t been some drinks sporadically thrown in 😏, but few and far between. I have needed to sit in discomfort, with full awareness and clarity. That isn’t something I have done. 

I have kept my circle small. Gone out only on occasion. I’ve spent time with girlfriends. Doing yoga, taking walks, volunteering, having long and leisurely talks in our pj’s. I think a lot of friends are having an “existential crisis”. In part, it's our age. But it’s comforting to know. My reasons might be different from theirs, but I know this heavy feeling of sadness and unrest is not uniquely mine. I am taking a break from therapy. Might seem like poor timing on my part. 😬 But I needed to take a step back. Rein in some emotion. It’s been almost two years of weekly therapy. That level/degree of constantly “feeling” is WAY out of my comfort zone. I think I’ve earned the break. Lately, there are a lot of days when I feel like I'm drowning. I try to snap out of it. This is new for me. I don’t normally feel stalled in this way. But my guess is time has caught up with me. My internal battery is probably ready for a rest. To nest a little, take some deep breaths, and catch a new charge. 

I miss Craig. Everyday. In every way imaginable. And I have yet to figure out how to manage that. But I guess I am, because I am still here. And that’s something. And while my 50th year hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would, I’m hopeful that as I move along with each new day I will find ways to see a path to foster more peace and find more purpose. I’m working on it.

I am going to turn off my phone tomorrow, maybe put on my wedding rings, and sit with him. I’ll go for a “hike” in Dallas, and hope to feel the tranquility that nature always brings. And I’ll remind myself of how lucky I was to be loved by him. ❤️

I know this was loooong, and anything but light, but it can only go up from here.😉

Hope this finds you all well,

A

I like this band, and especially this song, for two lines in particular.

“I once read that I should write something worth reading, or I should do something worth writing about”

“Our hearts know deeper seasons than our memories”

https://open.spotify.com/track/13otFWMHR8dlJ73XnSEW8y?si=AESgQBDDTQmuvmwK1eqdNw

Another band I love and especially for Ellen ❤️

“I loved your son for his sturdy arms, we both learned to cradle then live without”

https://open.spotify.com/track/2xa9PoO42d7VjT0KqG5d3I?si=tr-p30f_QWWrOso2MBCSRQ

Ellen’s Obituary

https://www.schrader.com/obituary/ellen-rawls-nee-strathern

Ludes ❤️

Blake and The Ash’s in CO

Maria’s 50th

Italy for Chela’s bday!

Norman & Chela

Vail