Settled….

craigsblogposts
Aug 8, 2021
15 min read

Hi! Checking in. This is a long one, so you've been warned….

RI was almost exactly what I expected! We’ve been down that road before. We know the fun to be had, the interests that are shared, the dynamic between all of us. The sun rises every morning around 4:30/45 am. Some of the most extraordinary sunrises I have ever seen. It’s a gentle wake up. No jarring sound of the alarm going off. Just a slow whisper that it's time to rise. Only to discover it isn’t even 5am! As a now almost 3-year insomniac (it began during our giant reno in Fall of ‘18 and has progressively worsened), most days I was already awake to see it rising. Prior to going for my visit, I was super nervous about my wee hour wake-ups, making my way down the home's original creaky staircase, not wanting to wake the household. I discovered that if I went slowly, and hugged the outer right edge of the tread, my descent was almost undetectable. Y’all know what I’m talking about - you’re up in the middle of the night and bump into something, or a door squeaks, or the floor creaks, or the very worst, a toot in the deafening silence of a sleeping house. 😂 the barking spider, as C put it. You’re stopped dead in your tracks. Shit. You actually make this face 😬, even though no one is looking, and you wait….and then just wait some more. Eventually regaining the confidence to take another step.

The early mornings alone were my solace. 2-3 cups of coffee, a show or two on the iPad, and complete solitude before the chaos. The calm before the storm. And by storm I mean a 5 and 10-year old needing breakfast (decision being the most challenging), getting dressed, lunches packed, sunscreen on, getting their hair did. 💇🏻‍♀️😉 Summer camp in full swing. Soccer camp, tennis camp, sailing camp, fashion camp. After the bedlam had died down and the kids were being carted off, we’d do a quick clean up and move on to either CrossFit, or off to do our own individual workouts. I enjoyed a scenic 5-mile walk down Narragansett Highway. It’s a two lane “highway” along the water, with bike lanes. Depending on just how early my coffee started, I was sometimes on the walk by 5am. And what’s crazier, so many other people were too. Folks out walking, running, biking. I guess the sunrise has the same effect on the whole town. I’d sometimes be back and ready to start my HITT workout before any member of the household was even awake. My unsuccessful sleep schedule affords me the strange gift of having had a somewhat full day by 8-9am. But then it’s 9am…..and there is actually a whole day left to be had!! 😳 How does this translate while vacationing with The Markhams, you ask? Cocktails, that's how. Usually not before 11am. I mean we are responsible adults! That seemed to be the acceptable hour to propose a Bloody Mary. Right?

Their beautiful home is an ever revolving door of visitors. Not only people coming to stay, but there’s an open door policy for neighbors and friends. I had the pleasure of getting Frannie’s fabulous SOUTHERN mama (Karen aka Sissy) on the front end, her equally fabulous Aunt Mary (Toosie) a week later, her Firecracker Aunt Geraldine (GERE said loudly like “Norm” when entering a room), their lifelong friends The Lotufo’s (Dean - deadpan, Franca - heart of gold, Alexa - genuine goodness, and Mitchell - 50/50 his parents), and the incomparable Susan (Susu) and her husband Peter Scotti (she refers to him with first and last name). There were regular visits with their neighbors, Tom and Maria, and their super cool and fun sons (4 of them ranging from 14-20 something). The accents alone are such entertainment. It’s the wildest cast of characters, and I was sooooo thrilled to be an onlooker! Frannie is the consummate hostess/social butterfly. C called her Big Bird. She happens to be tall, but her larger than life personality and NJ accent (that sometimes surfaces at full volume) earned her the BB nickname. Matthew is 100% southern, always the gentleman, and bitingly sarcastic with a hint of inappropriate sprinkled in. We love them!! They make me laugh. They are our cup of tea. Tom and Maria took us out on a beautiful boat ride - destination clam digging. An apparent RI rite of passage. It was fun. I was glad I had the experience. It was interesting. Can you see where I’m going with this? I stayed in the water for what I thought was a respectable amount of time, and then hightailed it back to the boat for a little sip of Rose and to cheer the diggers on. We collectively managed to get over 100 clams. We ate raw clams, Clams Casino, clams in linguine. Frannie reigned as queen digger - apparently this has been the case for years now. It’s not for a lack of challengers, but that girl ain’t goin’ down!!

Frannie is an amazing cook. Amazing. So is Franca. They have a rhythm together in the kitchen - it apparently doesn’t jive with my moves. No matter how much I offered my services, there was a collective, “No, thank you”. I can cook. Well enough. But their cooking isn’t quite on the same page as mine. No one wanted quinoa bowls, tofu meatloaf, deconstructed cabbage rolls. Rude. 🙄 So I’d spend time hanging with my buddy Matthew, and subsequently his buddy, Dean. Matthew and I have had a back and forth banter for years now. Our friendship with The Markhams, much like other couple friends of ours, is both as couples and as individuals. Craig and Frannie had their own friendship. They were a little sweeter to each other. Mattie and I like to rib each other to the point of being offensive. It’s hilarious. No insult is off limits. Fran typically does a lot of head shaking and chuckling - as if she’s observing two taunting children. What I hadn’t bargained on was Dean. He made Matthew look like Mr. Rogers. 😬 There was a verbal volleying match that lasted for 9 days. Better not let your guard down, or else someone was going to outwit you. I wish Craig had been there. He would have loved it. He too would join Frannie in shaking his head at us over the years. Admittedly, there were a few moments that it got to be too much. I’m not a very sensitive person. I don’t easily get offended. What I realized though is that having someone that always has your back, that’s what helps keep you strong. Confident. There was an insult or two (all completely inbounds with our joking), but when your person isn’t there to back you up, it’s an unexpected reality check. As it turns out, I’m simply not as impermeable as I’d like to think I am.

All good things must come to an end. Goodbye to the wonderful dinners with friends and family, trips to neighboring towns, visits on the back porch with a martini in hand. It was time for me to get back to Dallas to pack up for San Francisco. I was going to St. Louis for our nephew's wedding and to spend C’s birthday with his mom. From there, straight to SF…..It was a bittersweet departure. Frannie/Matthew, and their Littles (Abigail and Peter) are like family. Hate that I won’t be seeing them much over the next 6 months. Although, we all know how quickly time marches on.

Dallas was a ton of fun. Again. Too much fun. 😂 I stayed for several days with my friend Ainsley. Of all of my girlfriends and our crazy antics, she and I together might be the most ridiculous (Ashley probably ties). We laugh nonstop. NONSTOP. And I laugh a lot with most of my friends so that is saying something. We are moronic together. C and I call her our Crazy Cajun. She is from Lafayette and she has lived up to her nickname. Ironically, she and C were friends first. I officially met her the second time I ever saw Craig (part of our “how we met” story which I’ll share another time). From there I moved on to my home away from home (Blake and Ash). I think I am mixing up my trips, but I finally got to see my friends Rebecca and Leigh - much overdue, but I felt so ready to open my circle a little wider. Didn’t know it until I saw each of them. ❤️ It was all the usual suspects. Carrie/Jay, Jenny, Babs, my aunt/uncle/cousins. The Marquis’ and I got together for a follow-up planning committee meeting (for C’s Celebration party - Carrie, Ashley, and I had already met for an initial meeting 🥃🍸😉). Jay isn’t “officially” on the committee, but he likes to offer useful suggestions. Carrie, in all her glory, took the reins on getting things organized, making my “look, there’s a squirrel” ass focus on individual tasks, etc. Thank goodness!! So helpful! I also caught up with another friend. Many posts ago I mentioned that we had the pleasure of being reintroduced to Hugh Fagan. He came to the hospital in the early days and spent a couple of hours with us. He is an AML success story. Make no mistake, an unbelievably harrowing one, but he made it through to the other side. We met for lunch one day. We have stayed in touch, but haven’t seen each other since that day at the hospital. He was a few years ahead of me at Jesuit (our brother school) and we met him and his wife Aimee WAY back in the day. We talked equally about Craig/me as we did about easy and irrelevant topics. He is literally the only person I can talk to that no explanation is necessary. No need to qualify anything. He lived it so he knows exactly what came with it. This disease in particular. We talked about one of the greatest lessons Craig taught me was not to question, “why him”. I can't imagine trying to carry that emotional load on top of everything else I’m feeling. He said it so simply one day….”why not me?”. I can honestly say it has never occurred to me to be angry or resentful that this happened to him. Don’t get me wrong - I’ve been angry or heartbroken at the reality. There is a quote - “I cry for the life you lived, and the one you didn't”. There are truly days where it just doesn’t fit in my brain. That he is gone. I am so very thankful that he freed me from ever having the anger. There will never be enough words to describe his strength.

After my week in Dallas, I headed off to St. Louis for about a week. It was such a mixed bag of emotions. Weddings get me. I’m always guaranteed to have a good tear or two at a wedding. Craig always reaches over and holds my hand. It was a really lovely wedding, but oh-so bittersweet. It was painful to see my SIL sitting alone when she should have been sharing that monumental moment with her husband. For Zac getting married wishing more than anything that he could share it with his father, and for Amanda likely picturing her own wedding one day and the missed moment between father and daughter as he walks her down the aisle. I remember the same void when C and I got married. Totally different as I was too young to know my father, but it leaves a gaping hole that stays with you forever. Sitting next to my MIL and knowing all the thoughts that were swirling through her head. Her sorrow. There was also joy bc for just a few moments I could feel Craig’s hand right there in mine. I could see him sitting next to me. Plain as day. In a suit, a smirk on his face. ❤️

Two of Craig’s cousins came to town, as well as an aunt/uncle. I genuinely have such affection for his extended family. It was my first time seeing them since Craig’s brother's funeral 4 years ago. They are super engaging and genuine. It was uplifting to spend time with them. Knowing I will always be part of their family. And they happen to be fun too! So there’s that added bonus. 😉

I stayed two nights at The Bierk’s since Ellen had a full house of family. I had a separate entrance and could just come and go as I pleased, without disturbing any of them. On my last day I went on a long hike with Mark and then got to spend a couple of hours visiting with their son and a short visit with Stacey (his wife). We came home to tell Stacey we stirred up some trouble at Queeney Park. I swear Mark knows EVERYone, so we ran into 4 different people/groups. There was this awkward exchange each time. We could see the confusion flash through their eyes upon realizing the face below the baseball cap wasn’t Stacey. It was really funny. And just like that - I realized that's how rumors get started!! 🤦‍♀️They have raised some really remarkable kids. It was enlightening to talk to an almost graduated college kid - can't wait to see where he ends up. My guess is whatever he decides to do, it will be done successfully!

And then it was time to continue on my way….

I had mulled over asking someone to go on the 3-day road trip with me, but ultimately knew I wanted to go on my own. I hadn’t had extended time alone in several months. I wanted the time to be in my own head. There was a sense of it somehow being the pinnacle of this time away from life. Or some sort of culmination? Of what I’m not sure. Maybe 10 months of nonstop travel to arrive here, to this point? And by “here” I mean a willingness to sit in one place for an extended period. Culmination of growth - of what I’ve learned over the last 10 months of movement? Much of which has been running, metaphorically speaking. Surviving. And maybe this isn’t the last leg of whatever it is I’m doing. Sometimes I think I could do this for the rest of my life. Just keep moving along. But when I pulled away from my mother-in-laws house, it felt symbolic. Weighty. I was relieved to know I had days ahead of me, just to be by myself.

Blake and Ashley graciously loaned me their lake house in NE Oklahoma to shave off 5 hours of the road trip. I was there for 2 days. It was perfect. And then around 5:30am on the 3rd of August, I set out. Rural two lane highways. Dark little mounds of sleeping cows in the open pasture. The rolling hills of Oklahoma. I passed a sign shortly after leaving the lake - Craig County. I took it as a sign that he was along for the ride. There are areas of Oklahoma that are so pretty. I’ve always thought that. The patchwork landscape of western Oklahoma with its brick colored soil. Sometimes peeking out of the dead grass, sometimes tilled up land - ready for a harvest, or having just been harvested? Little plateaued hills in the distance. Soon enough I found myself back in Texas. I had never been on this stretch. 40 West through Amarillo. C and I have always flown West, never driven. As I was passing Cadillac Ranch, Morgan informed me I was along the old Route 66. He proceeded to sing me the song, and sure enough, it was my exact path. I came upon the miles of wind turbines. What a sight. I have heard them described in poetic ways…..whistling in the wind, dancing with the wind, blah, blah, blah. I thought they were amazing to see, but all I saw was miles of a free advertising campaign for Mercedes. 🤷‍♀️ At least in the stretch of windless land. As I moved along and the wind picked up, my imagination threw me some cartwheels. The perfect straight leg ones that I never quite perfected. 🤸‍♀️ That’s all I’ve got, folks. A glimpse into my creative imagination. 🙄 I made my way to Albuquerque. The ever changing landscape of New Mexico. I passed through Navajo Reservation and Cibola Forest. It transitioned from lush green forest and highway medians abounding with bright yellow wildflowers, to a rainbow of desert hills. The effect of sun/shade, distance, soil, burned grass, and wildflowers made it look purple, green, red, pink, and blue. The green was the prettiest shade of mint. It was really something to behold. Craig and I went to Santa Fe a few years ago on an anniversary trip. We went up to Taos and did the Williams Lake Trail. We went to Tent Rocks and hiked there too. We did rooftop sunsets and had recommendations for all the best restaurants. We ate and shopped and did what we do best - enjoyed the shit out of each other. It feels like that trip was just yesterday.

That first day of driving was a mix of emotion. As I’ve mentioned before, my “perception” has shifted with so many things. Much of what used to be important to me simply isn’t anymore. Let’s not kid ourselves, I’m still a handful of high maintenance. 🤗 But the scenery really awakened the senses. My mom and brother have always had this deep connection to nature. They could sit for hours staring at a landscape. I certainly liked it enough, but not in the way they seemed to see it. There were tears that day. Ones of pain, release, reflection, purging, catharsis. Connecting to nature has had a really grounding effect. At least for me. And I need grounding right now. As I keep moving forward on this journey of having to accept it’s just me now, I appreciate anything that offers balance.

I also used the endless hours as an opportunity to work out the kinks in my seated dance moves, and hit some of those high notes that needed work. 🎤 I pulled out all the stops on recreating my high school and college mix tapes. Craig would have hated most of it! Morrissey (Hairdresser on Fire, Everyday is Like Sunday), The Smith’s (How Soon is Now), Salt-n-Pepa (Shoop), Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock (It Takes Two, Joy and Pain), Dr. Dre (Nuthin’ but a “G” Thang), Lyle Lovett (the Pontiac album), Morphine (Cure for Pain album), Run DMC (It’s Tricky, Peter Piper). Sidebar - I was recently reminded of Peter Piper when I was with Ainsley…which then turned into an embarrassing dance off in the car outside of DFW while picking up her eldest daughter. Nothing like two “old ladies” rapping at the airport. Anyway, Jackopierce (Three of Us in a Boat, Love is Letting Go of Fear), Chris Isaak (Forever Blue album), INXS (Mystify, Need You Tonight, Never Tear Us Apart, New Sensation). There was toe tapping, shoulder shruggin’, robot, jazz hands, that torso wave thing that I don’t have the rhythm to execute, head jutting (?), DJ style record scratching. I was oozing cool…..😏

After a night in Albuquerque, next stop Bakersfield. Arizona was freakin’ beautiful. It came as a real surprise. We used to spend a lot of time in Scottsdale (C’s work), and I've never been a desert landscape admirer. I wish I had paid better attention to the location of the areas that were so amazing. Maybe it was around the Coconino National Forest. I’m not sure, but I really expected to look out across the vast landscape and see the Lone Ranger and Tonto off in the distance. I couldn’t take my eyes off the scenery. As I neared Sedona I had a flashback to a trip we did there many years ago. We were actually in Phoenix visiting our friends, The Factors (Christine Kidd), and decided to do a day trip with our other friends, The Smith’s (Melanie Irwin). It was last minute and since we were winging it, Melanie, Aaron, Craig, and I headed to the Sedona information center to see about trails. We should have known with the info lady clad in a Chino’s outfit and crystals around her neck that we weren’t going to get a straightforward answer.

Us: Hi. Can you point us in the direction of some good hiking trails?

Chino’s lady: Just follow the vortex

Us: I’m sorry??

Chino’s lady: Let the vortex guide you

Us: 🙄

I’d actually probably really appreciate the energy of the vortex now, but 20-something us thought that was ridiculous. Follow the vortex. Puh-lease.

Bakersfield was Bakersfield. Wouldn’t recommend it. Day 3 was only a 4.5 drive. It was desolate. I guess I was still in the Mojave (I think I had done most of that the day before), but it was barren and crazy hot. It was 114 degrees by 11am, and since you’re in the middle of nowhere, gas was $5.19/gallon. 😳 I passed by the Aircraft Boneyard. It was like colorful art against a colorless backdrop. All the painted tails of old airplanes sticking up from the desert sand. I listened to the Matt Damon interview on Armchair Expert and Dax Shepard said something that left me contemplating:

“We evaluate life by its longevity as opposed to what happened in the period of time. You can die early and it can still be a success story, I think.”. I would like to think I’ll let that sink in a little and try to measure the loss of Craig’s life by the gain of all that he accomplished and brought to his 51 years. The immeasurable happiness he brought to my life.

I am totally settled into my place in SF. It’s so great! It’s super cute, “spacious” for SF, I have a private outdoor garden. I’m in Pacific Heights. Very close to the Presidio, Fillmore Street, the Lyon Street stairs (which I’ll be using for exercise too 🥵). Maria and I have gone hiking, we went out to dinner with Favi on Friday night, we went to Tiburon to meet a friend for dinner last night. We are heading to Santa Barbara next weekend…..I realized on my final day of driving that I was tearing up with relief. Relief at having made a decision to settle in for a moment. Let life just start to happen a little. I realized the first morning I woke up in “my” place that I felt content. I haven’t felt content one day since C has been gone. I’ve felt moments of joy, or had laughter, but not contentment. I’m under no illusions that grief is not hiding around every corner. I couldn’t possibly miss him more, and that catch in my chest is always present, but this little window of peace that has opened is such a gift. Our 20th wedding anniversary is August 25th. We had so many plans for how to celebrate it. I can’t believe I’m going to have to celebrate it on my own. Unfathomable. But I’ll do what he asked me to do on our 19th. Open a nice bottle of wine and just be with him. Just sit with him in my heart. ❤️

Hope this finds you all well,

“The farthest distance in the world is between how it is, and how you thought it was going to be”…..

RI sunset