Perspective

Hi. It’s been a while so I thought I’d check in. I’ve still been on the go. After leaving SF at the end of March, I realized California proved helpful for me. Or maybe the right word is supportive. I didn’t necessarily see it while I was there, but in hindsight. Those weeks let some heavy things start to fade a little, and some openness that maybe joy can exist. What it looks like, I certainly don't know. But some of the despair seemed like it was releasing its hold. I mentioned in my last post that you can’t “choose” happiness. I wholly stand by that. IMO, emotions can’t be altered, they simply start to shift as your heart and mind settle. So alternatively, I’m choosing to give myself permission to change the lens through which I’ve been grieving. Doesn’t mean the tears and sadness aren’t ever present, but I am purposefully focused on the gift that was our life, the incomparable bond we shared, and the love that we were so lucky to have found in one other.

California allowed me to re-engage a little more with people, with strangers. Maria, her significant other (Favi), and I spent just the right amount of time together. He went from stranger to instant friend at warp speed. Maria had asked me how I felt about being around couples? My answer was, “I think fine” bc I had certainly been around couple friends of ours since last March. I answered too hastily. When you’re with one other couple, it‘s just three friends hanging out. There isn’t going to be a mug down sesh happening across the table! A private whispering moment right in front of you. Throw 2 couples and a lone person

together - 5th wheel!! It’s impossible not to feel like the odd man out. Who would have known? 🤷‍♀️ It wasn’t an experience I had ever had. Not with the permanency that it is now. We went out 3 different times with other couples, all of whom were lovely and inclusive. But yeah, wouldn’t necessarily be signing up for a lot of 5th wheel outings again. This will just take time, I know.

There is a lot that you don’t know until it’s upon you. Or that you don’t even think about until you find yourself in a given situation. You know how when you buy a new car you become keenly aware of the same model on the road? They start to appear in abundance, out of nowhere. It’s like that. I remember when C and I were getting married and the first time I used the word “husband”. It was weird. I had never used it in that way. The moment always stuck with me - like I had graduated to something deeper, or maybe the magnitude of choosing to commit to this one person. My ride or die. When we were choosing our vows, I obviously objected to the “obey” piece. Archaic. 🙄 And y’all know we weren’t about to get all mushy and write our own vows. Knowing either of us, can you imagine? “Hi, buddy. I really like you. You’re pretty/handsome, let‘s stay together forever, I do, I do too, you may kiss the bride.”. Sound about right? So in tweaking the traditional vows, I remember the piece that I really wanted to include was, “until death us do part”. I think it summed up the depth of how I felt. I knew there would never be a time I didn’t want to be with him.

I mean - there were times I wanted him out of my sight 😂, but never that I didn’t want to be with him. So in discovering things that you don’t know until you’re in a certain situation, the word “widow” has been revealing. It has been a heavy word to use. It has been a defining word. Not because I necessarily want that, but the look on someone else’s face says it all. My friend Jenny Adams (Cole’s wife) and I talk about all that goes along with being a “widow”. We lament at how strange it is to sit there together, with the cards we have been dealt. Missing our husbands. We also talk about private things that no one can understand unless they’ve been through it. Jenny has always been a gift to me, but we are now bonded in a way we would never have seen coming in our 20’s. With awareness comes the realization that there are so many others in the same boat. The story is different, the pain is different, but the core is the same. I have been amazed at some random conversations where I have discovered someone else in this. Again, it’s like seeing the car on the road after you get it.

Spent about a week in Dallas after returning from SF. Made plans with a different friend almost every single day that I was there. This was a huge step for me. I have been reluctant to see anyone outside the tiny circle that I carved out after C was gone. I got to hang out with my buddy Abby (Carrie’s youngest) - school drop off one day, we went to SoulCycle together, made dinner/dessert for the fam, talked. I love a mature 8th grade perspective. 💕 Even though I’m old, the no-kid thing makes me less mom-like. Gives me some street

cred. 😉 I got to watch newly-licensed Mackenzie (their oldest) drive away for the first time alone in a car! I spent three days at their house. It was a ton of fun. Carrie and I (and sometimes Jay) would have 6:30am coffee on the front porch. It has never occurred to me to have coffee outside on a dark and breezy morning. It’s a calm and quiet way to start your day. If you haven’t, you should give it a try. Rest of the time was, of course, with my partners in crime (Blake and Ash). There is never a dull moment when we are together. Many years ago, pre-Blake, Ashley was going through a very difficult time in her life. While she maintained her own residence, she spent the better part of a year with us. The three of us. We’d laugh and sing that song from The Hangover....”we’re the three best friends that anyone could have”. After I decided to sell the house and take off, Blake insisted that I’m family and always had a place to stay when I was in town. He said he felt like it was his turn to return the favor to C. So sweet. My brother, my guy friends, Craig’s guy friends - these boys don’t mess around on being protective and brotherly to me. They all watch out for me at every turn. But back to Blake - that man didn’t know what he was getting himself into. 😂 I can’t begin to tell the stories, but as my travel keeps extending, my stop-ins in Dallas do as well. I’m actually laughing out loud as I type this. We’ve established some ground rules. One being that as our alcohol consumption increases, our volume cannot continue to as well. I’m sure it was the exact same for Craig all those years ago, and I’m sure he’s looking on at Blake, both appreciatively, and sympathetically. 😉

I headed to STL after Dallas to spend some time with C’s mom. I was there a little over a week. We were on the go a lot. She is fully vac’d, Spring had finally sprung, and it was the perfect time to take some small steps back into the world. Both from sorrow and Covid, she has pretty much been home bound for the last year. We had some sort of an outing almost every day! It was great. We spent one afternoon at a winery with my sister-in-law, Stacey. She lost Doug summer of 2017. I hadn’t seen her in probably close to 2 years. It was hard to ignore as we sat around a table that we are three widows, all from the same immediate family. I often think about what it must feel like for Ellen. Obviously I can’t really understand since I don’t walk in her shoes. But I think about the emotional depths of despair I have felt, and then I try to multiply that by 3. The tears are flowing just writing that. How do you accept your whole family being gone? The immensity of that is never far from my mind. ❤️ She is trying her best, little by little, and that’s all any of us can do.

As usual, I went out with C’s HS best friends. One night as their 5th wheel (admittedly, it doesn't feel that way with them!). Love them. I also finally got to meet Craig’s best high school and college girl friend. Shoemake! I have been hearing about her for over 2 decades and we had never managed to meet. She, Mark (C’s BF), and I went out for drinks. The three of us had so many laughs. I couldn’t have been more delighted to finally meet the elusive Kathy Shoemake. 😜 Craig reconnected with her a few years ago and was excited for us to meet at some point. I know he would have been much happier to be in that bar with us, but I suspect he still was.....

After STL, I pit-stopped in Dallas for my second Covid vaccine (finally!!!). I actually first stopped in Sherman to stay a night with our friends, Frannie and Matthew. They are truly one of my most favorite couples of all time (they are the ones with the house in RI). As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog, they were our traveling buddies for years. Until they crushed our dreams and decided to pro-create. 😂 It was a really selfish blow to the Rawls duo, but we forgave them and moved past it. Anyway, we packed days worth of fun into less than 24 hours. I laugh when I just think about The Markhams. Side note - spending almost a month with them in RI this summer. That has trouble written all over it!!😳

I headed to Austin two days later. It was one of my nieces birthday at the end of April. I got to spend lots of QT with the girls, do some school drop-offs and pick-ups, get my cherished Town Lake miles in. It was a very social visit. Another good step for me. There was a beautiful outdoor birthday party with about 20-25 people. We hung colorful Chinese lanterns all around the yard. They had an ice cream truck come - modern translation - Smart car outfitted as an ice cream truck. Super fun for the kids. I’m trying to paint the lovely picture of how nice the day started, before Tia (me) went south. 😬 In addition to juice boxes, of course there was also wine/beer for the adults. Like any good guest, I had a little sip here and there, including an IPA or two (and those sneak up on you). The party started at 11am. Historically, I forget to eat while drinking. You get the picture. The day went on with some brother/sister time, over to Morgan’s GF Lisl‘s house with her child and Morgan’s girls. Ultimately, we ended up ubering over to some friends of theirs for a pool party for the kids (they have a daughter as well). Still, no food intake. Real Mensa candidate over here. 🙋‍♀️ 🙄 Suffice it to say, the hours caught up with me. When I heard my enunciation and it didn’t match what was in my head, I knew it was time to curtail my conversations and get the heck out of dodge! Luckily, we Delk kids have a sneaky ability to still appear controlled, so the kids weren’t on to me. I would be beside myself if I thought they had been. We called an Uber - well, someone called an Uber. A suburban. I somehow ended up in the 3rd row. Through Austin hills. All I could focus on was, “just get home...just get home....just get home”. 😳 I was put to bed with my 6 year-old niece at 8:30pm. Not asked if I wanted to go to bed, PUT to bed. “Girls, it’s time for bed”. I woke up at 5:45am in my clothes, from the night before, with a tiny foot in my face. Several options of water next to me. Nothing like the 47 year old walk of shame out to the kitchen. C’est la vie!! Future guidelines - eat, cocktail, water, water, water, cocktail, eat, etc.

I was so happy to spend several hours visiting with my dear friend, Sylvia. She has just gone through a very aggressive surgery against her cancer diagnosis and has come out the other side! She is a take-no-prisoners-ass-kicking gal, and I was relieved to put my eyes on her and hug her. I also reconnected with a high school friend with whom I had so much fun! Couple of patio visits and great convos - some new perspectives to contemplate. In each encounter in my travels, I‘m trying to open a mental space for growth. That week was another push on the path of trying to find normalcy. There really isn’t any doubt in my mind that C is the force behind the strength to keep inching forward. One step at a time.

Babs and I have reunited on our road trip odyssey. That’s right. 😬 I flew out to NJ, we packed the car up (she’s somehow added an addt’l plastic bin since last time), and off we went. A car full of curiously miscellaneous odds and ends, the bike helmet still on the journey (absent any bike), and a questionable assortment of knickknacks that she chose to have with her for the last 7 months. Without question, Babs is unique unto herself. 😉 We headed back to RI. Opted out of our Sirius political lineup this time. Instead - Indigo Girls, Edie Brickell, Diana Ross, James Taylor, Dido (or Deeedo as Babs calls her), Carpenters (this was short lived). I think my mother might have undiagnosed narcolepsy. I’d literally hear her, “Upside down you’re turning me”, then immediately followed by 😴😴😴. The singing, if you can call it that, is akin to nails on a chalkboard. My singing voice is much like our aforementioned dancing abilities. Pitch, tone, melody....all off. Babs is a millisecond delayed on every word of every lyric. So together, you can only imagine.

We arrived in RI back to the house where this journey started 7 months ago. It’s serene, it‘s beautiful, morning coffee and workouts in the backyard overlooking Providence River/Narragansett Bay. I’m slowly and gently making my way back to yoga. The setting couldn‘t be more perfect. I have done yoga a lot over the last 25 years. Not always consistently. My yoga BF (Mark Galanos 🧘🏼‍♀️🧘🏻‍♂️) and I have been doing power yoga together for a couple of years. We became friends in yoga, then became friends in life. He, and his beautiful wife Kari, have been persistent in keeping up with me. With us. In the hospital, after C was gone. I finally went over for a 4-hour visit a couple of weeks ago. It was a friendship I had missed. Anyway, the yoga piece. Depending on whose class it is, maybe they use/speak Sanskrit, maybe they don’t. I love it when they do. It’s yoga scripture! But they almost always ask you to “set an intention for your practice”. I’m always thinking, “my intention is to get better abs! Get on with it.”. Don’t get me wrong, yoga is my spiritual retreat, I love the mental flow of it, but “intention” didn’t click for me. It was mostly about the workout. I’m setting an intention now. It might be something as simple as, take one extra breath. Or hold the position an extra second. Or appreciate that your body allows you to do either. I’m tightly wound - in general! No one has ever accused me of being too laid back! 😜 I’m discovering that while my body slowly inches its way back to yoga, it’s forcing my mind to be still in the process. 🙏🏼

Morgan and Lisl flew out to RI for 4 days. We went to Newport twice. Unfortunately, the ferry wasn’t running yet this season, but we drove over and spent the afternoon there. NE clam chowder, Clams Casino, Boston lettuce salad (Lisl knew what this was 🤷‍♀️), mussels, locally sourced oysters at Black Pearl. Dark and Stormy’s. The drink that C and I always had when we‘d come East with The Markhams. We later adopted it at home. ALWAYS made with “The” Kraken!! When you come into Newport the church where JFK and Jackie were married is right along the main thoroughfare. So much history. Babs and I went to Bristol for the day. So quaint, so pretty. I love that so many of the houses have the simple plaque stating the year it was built and the original owner. Van Doorn House, 1740. One house after another. It seems that more houses than not are on the historical registry. We threw on bathing suits at the first sign of 70+ degrees and “bisqued“ our skin in the sun. 🦞 Music, beers, laughs. Morgan keeps us in hysterics most waking hours. Usually it‘s an observation about one of us!! We went to old Federal Hill and ate Italian food with one of Lisl’s best friends from college (she lives in Boston). More memorable conversations. The streets around the square are closed to cars, lined with tables, live music playing. Albeit the weirdest assortment of live music. It covered everything from Johnny Cash to Taylor Swift, from the same vocalist. 🤔 Castle Hill Inn with cocktails and the Adirondack chairs overlooking the water. The scenic view of historic mansions leading back to Newport. Walks around the small marina in Pawtuxet Village where everyone knows “The Markhams from Texas”. 🤠 These were scenes that C and I had shared with The Markham’s over the years. It’s both comforting and agonizing to revisit. But new lens is teaching me to pivot - instead of what I’m desperately missing, how beautiful to have memories in abundance.

In a couple of days, we are moving on from RI to spend about 10 days in South Carolina. I basically threw a dart at a map and that‘s where it landed. Perhaps a touch more thought went into it, but not by much. It’s a house on a lake - lots of trees, decks, screened-in porch, supposedly great hiking nearby. 25 minute drive to Augusta, GA. We will arrive back in Dallas at the end of May. Babs will be there for several months, while she equally contemplates whether Dallas is where she wants to live. I’m dropping her and leaving a couple of days later. Finally making my way to Mexico. Passport problem solved, flight booked, fully vac’d. ✔️✔️✔️ Anyone that knows me, knows that I am excessively pragmatic. I have given a lot of thought to what is right for me, what feels right, what is next. I decided that I am not ready to stop moving. Yet. I am tied to nothing other than myself and trying to find the path to keep C with me, without holding onto him for dear life. And that is where I think I need to be right now. So, I‘ll keep y'all posted as my summer travels unfold. I’ve rented a place in San Francisco for 6 months starting in August. It seems like a good place to stay in one spot, for a moment. See how that feels. I’ll really look forward to seeing your faces in October. Giving C the party he deserves is so painfully overdue.

As I often do, I’ve included a song. I really can‘t explain how many songs have come to me in the last year. Obscure songs that I’ve discovered after reading something, or randomly seeing something, or barely hearing something in the background and figuring out who the artist is. As I’ve mentioned several times since we started this page, C was always our primary music scout. I really think he is channeling the music my way. Sending me words when I need them. At the moments I need them. Sad, happy, nurturing, healing. There has been a parallel journey through music and emotion that I have been experiencing over the last 14 months. So much time alone, so much solitary hiking with tunes, walking my way through cities, airplane buds at the ready. I don’t think it’s just happenstance. I think he’s reaching out to me in the ways that he can find. And I am extraordinarily thankful for that. For him. ❤️

Hope everyone has an amazing summer, with some return to normalcy! Please keep me posted on your adventures!

Hope this finds you all well,

A

Our Calistoga hike on March 28th....❤️

https://open.spotify.com/track/7DqOEFNBLOfF2X24eXbG2z?si=eHIdCHg6T9OZaNqpghB9OQ

https://youtu.be/OdrSSRYgfVk

Ford’s Bday party.....🍦💕

5am sunrises in RI

Circa 2012 - Newport with Frannie and Matthew

Francesca and C 😍

Morgan and Lisl 🥰

This trio.....👩‍👧‍👦