No catchy title

On the Wix template for the update page it says, “add catchy title”. It’s a lot of pressure. Make it a funny one? a clever one? one that lures the reader in?

Honestly, there isn’t that much thought that goes into it. 😉 Luckily, the updates sort of write themselves. It doesn’t take that much thought to put down in writing what is happening in our life....until now. A dear friend asked me today if the lack of recent blogging translated to “all boring on the hospital front?”. I told her I couldn’t seem to find the right tone. That I’m really not feeling it right now. And then as the hours passed, I thought it only seems fair to at least post a non-update, update. After all, y’all have been with us the whole way.

First off, there isn’t a catchy title. Or at least I’m not finding one. We are in a bit of a holding pattern. We don’t know if this round of chemo worked yet. The weight of that alone is like an elephant on our chests. And I’m not overstating the feeling. Sometimes for C with the actual breathing (although there is marked improvement), and also the exhausting uncertainty of what’s to come. Sometimes for me, out of paralyzing fear of imagining even one day of my life without him. In addition, the fungal infection feels like we are in a dark maze, looking for a tiny filter of light to guide us out, but all the while being blindsided with another dead end. For every step we take forward, it feels like we take several back. We knew the road would be hard. Really hard even. We didn’t quite anticipate the lack of any measurable “wins” almost 4 months in. C always says to our medical team, “guys, I just really need a win”. I know how badly they want one for us too. It’s a scary place to idle in. Fear is such a double edged sword. We actually NEED fear as a trigger to instinctually protect ourselves (fight or flight). Without it, we wouldn’t know to avoid danger. But in feeling fear, it makes us vulnerable and defenseless, in turn prompting us to want to fight or flight against the exact thing we need to survive. It’s both to our advantage and to our detriment. 😔 So we are idling in neutral right now. Unsure of the path before us.

The list of possible cause/effect of symptoms is too long, complicated, and exhausting to try to explain. Depending upon Fears hold on us on a particular day, it can range from reasonably explained, to Chicken Little - the sky is falling. 🐥⛈ C is on so many medications, all with so many potential side effects, one can make an argument for a million reasonable scenarios. Or fear can creep in and we can assume the worst. It’s a total mind F.

C has lost quite a lot of weight. So there’s a constant reminder that wasn’t so visible before now. Not only are his tastebuds shot at the moment, he simply isn’t hungry due to fluid overload, fatigue, slower metabolism requires less fuel, etc. He is trying to force feed the best he can, but that is a difficult task. We try to remind ourselves this is not unique to Craig. It’s sort of chemo 101!

I wish we had a funny story to tell, or new health details to cheer about, but right now this is all we have. We have had so many wonderful favors, kindnesses, visits, and treats bestowed upon us recently. I will have to do a separate entry to do them justice though!

Please keep us in your thoughts. I know today marks the beginning of Lent for some. It’s a holy day for many. Craig had a Reiki session today. 1.5 hours of breathing/meditation/energy healing. The dates weren’t intentional, but I like thinking it aligned with a day of collective faith, hope, and repentance. Much of his session was about letting go and purging his body and mind of things holding him back, to make way for new energy. They aren’t too dissimilar. No matter what you believe, we are all striving for a more elevated state of consciousness, a more developed spirituality, a connection to something greater than ourselves. Hopefully today elevated all of us in whatever way we needed it most. ❤️

Hope this finds you all well,

C & A