My boys Part 1

I am short on words. Might be the only time I ever say that. I can’t believe tomorrow is March 28th again. How has another year gone by? How is he not here? There are days that my brain refuses to accept what my heart knows is true. Today is one of those days. I hope he feels at ease, and comforted, and loved wherever he is. He doesn’t come to me as often as I would like, but sometimes there is a sign so strong that it’s undeniable. I desperately needed something from him a couple of weeks ago. “We” had a talk about it. Later that day I was walking home from Pilates and went a different route than normal. Coming toward me on the street was a beautiful Airedale, just like Bingley. The first one I have ever seen in the city. I went to pet her and she snubbed me - just like an Airedale! Aloof. “No time for you, lady.” It made me smile. C undoubtedly made sure to encourage that extra piece. I imagine he was smiling with me. We lost Bings on March 13th, one year before C. My heart aches for them, for my family. Videos have been difficult for me for the last 6 months. I have avoided them. I assume this is another reasonable response to grief. But today I wanted to share some, which forced me to watch. I have hundreds. For the first time, the smiles outnumbered the tears.

I’m going to turn my phone off tomorrow. I’m going to go for an extra long hike by myself. I’m going to watch the sun set. I’m going to breathe in every last bit of fresh air that he no longer can. I’m going to say my knees hurt and bitch about it so I can pretend he’s right there next to me. I’m going to shoot the middle finger at myself and chuckle so that C knows I miss that. I’m going to buy an IPA and drink it in his honor. I won’t be able to hold my tears, but I can choose my focus. I’m going to think about how happy we were, how lucky we were to have each found our “perfect” person, and how much better my life is for having known his patience and love. He is, and will always be, my most favorite person in this world. ❤️

Hope this finds you all well,

A

Some of these videos are old as the hills, but thought y’all might enjoy some C laughs.

Thumper….

C enjoyed this entirely too much 😂

Morgan’s 40th bday trip - 2011

Get the carrots before Papi does!

Same scene every time C came back in town ❤️

Saturdays…..