Lady Luck works in mysterious ways

Hi! It’s been a few months so I thought I’d check in. Hope you’re all off to a great 2022. Can’t believe it's almost March. How is that even possible?? I feel like I was just wishing y’all happy holidays!

My holiday plans took a major detour. To my living room. I made it almost two years without The Vid, but my luck done run out!! I was supposed to be on a Monday morning flight and noticed on that Sunday evening that I had an itchy little cough. Out of an abundance of caution, I pushed it for a day and went and got a PCR. Logged onto MyChart that night and in all caps, the dreaded word - DETECTED. While in a moment of denial, I googled “detected” because it just didn’t seem straightforward enough. I thought maybe it meant there was just a little something - just an errant speck of Covid? Maybe a false-positive antibody floating around? Of course my logic was totally off. And The Google did it again. My own personal New England Journal of Medicine. My flash of holiday fun was quickly replaced with, WTF am I going to do for 10 days? Alone? In a city that has a holiday exodus? 😳 A few days earlier I had dropped my car off at Maria’s in Larkspur (I have since decided airport parking is easier) bc I was going to be gone for over 2 weeks. Maria/Favi were gone, Nicole was gone, and my couple of other friends had also left for their respective cities of origin. I thought about Uber-ing to get the car for hiking excursions….but I could hardly Uber with a DETECTED result. And then it occurred to me that even if my friends were here, I couldn’t have seen them. I also realized I had no food. On the best of grocery days, I have no food!!! I have become a 3 trick pony. After all the months in the hospital with C and subsisting on coffee and protein bars, I have never gone back to “normal” eating at home. Out to dinner, another story. Cooking for one sucks. And as y'all know, I’ve basically been nomadic since Fall 2020. I eat three different meals. Eggs and cabbage with jalapeños and Cholula. Sounds so weird, I know. My friend Ashley introduced me with the same line, “It sounds so weird”. Give it a try though - it’s so good. And the bonus is if you use purple cabbage, it turns the eggs blue! Healthy and fun! Am I selling it too hard? I also eat oatmeal. The good old Quaker cylinder. I doctor it - chia, a little maple syrup, cinnamon. Super gourmet. 🙄And the piece de resistance is a salad. Not just any salad. A delicious can of salmon, an insane quantity of varying greens, jalapeños (I’m currently like a pregnant woman with pickles and ice cream, but with jalapeños), veggies, and quinoa. I make it in a mixing bowl - it’s that big. This salad has been my go to for more years than I can count. EVERY DAY. It’s my death-row-last-meal-kinda favorite. There are certain foods with which I have learned I cannot be left alone. Peanut butter, hummus, Girl Scout cookies, plain Fage yogurt, peanuts, cold pizza (not hot pizza, COLD pizza), and oddly enough, apples. I have no self-control with these particular foods. It’s an eating frenzy. Craig could eat ¼ of a pint of ice cream and then put it away. He could open the refrigerator and ignore the cold pizza the whole next day. He could grab a handful of peanuts and return the Planters guy to the pantry. What??? How??? So as I was placing my food order, I decided to indulge! I thought to myself, “Self….you deserve a holiday meal, some indulgence, live it up”. I ordered all the usuals and then really went crazy. I ordered frozen pizza (hadn’t had pizza in forever), oatmeal raisin cookies, and a box of Stovetop. I do realize how pathetic this sounds, but I was so excited when the delivery came. My cough only lasted 24 hours and I was otherwise, perfectly normal. Normal energy, felt great, etc. so I made sure to add wine and ranch water provisions to the order too. 😉 You know how with online ordering they make substitutions? Well, that didn’t work in my favor. They didn’t know who their delivery recipient was. I had ordered one container of 5 cookies. Manageable. They brought 3 containers of 5 jumbo cookies. 15 cookies. Jumbo. And chocolate chip. Not even the right flavor. I took one look at the containers and knew this would be problematic. As I unpacked, I decided to have “just one” jumbo cookie. I was quite disappointed when I realized that the pizza I had ordered was a mini. One single, tiny, ridiculous mini pizza. I took a picture and sent it to my brother - the diameter was the length of a small spoon. Merry Christmas to me. I decided to freeze the cookies - as a deterrent. As it turns out, I'm not above eating them frozen. 3 cookies later and bags unpacked, I needed to decide what to do with myself. I had this nagging voice in the back of my head that I needed to make it count. This unfortunate turn of events. And so it came to me….Monk Retreat! Self-imposed silence, betterment. I decided on a list of daily must-do’s for the remaining days of quarantine and my solo trip to Deer Valley (which luckily fell after the 10 days). They included, but were not limited to: meditation, yoga, working out, hikes, TED talks, reading, writing, gratitude journal, adding to the vision board, Master classes, daily lymphatic drainage (too many YouTube facial massage tutorials), obscene amounts of fresh lemon water…..I texted all my daily people to let them know I was going “off the grid”. Phone would be on silent, in another room, for the following 2 weeks. If I’m goin’, I’m goin’ big! I told Babs I would text her once daily so she would know I was alive and well. And so it went. I woke up each day to about 18 minutes of my Spotify meditation playlist. Sometimes at 3am, sometimes at 7am. It was hypnotic. I drank my lemon water before allowing myself my giant pot of coffee. I never even looked at my phone. Well for music purposes, yes, but since everyone was respecting my request, I didn’t have to worry about finding anything on it. I had already received a call from UCSF (my testing site), and from the city. Clearly, they were monitoring their Covid-positive residents. So after a long hike one day, as I was walking back into the apt, I received a call from the city again. 😳 Are they NSA-ing me, I thought!?! I took a mask, I went during “off hours”, there were NO people in the city. The timing of the call seemed very suspect though. I didn’t answer. Clearly, I was being a bit paranoid, but I took C’s phone from that point on (can’t bring myself to turn his service off). And with his phone, never another call. If they were tracking me, joke was on them. 😏

I took off on lone hikes around the Presidio. I sat on a bench overlooking the National Cemetery. The tears came for gratitude at what lay below that hallowed ground, for gratitude that I was lucky enough to be able to sit there, and gratitude for having experienced such great love that saying goodbye to it continues to be the most painful experience I will likely ever know. But gratitude for it, most importantly. I wouldn’t erase one minute of my life with C to lessen any of it. The other day I was sharing with someone a quote I keep next to a picture of C and Bings on the vision board. “I hope you eventually live the life you want to live, and I hope nothing haunts you for too long. And I hope you’re kind to yourself.” I cry every time I read it - but I try to let it sink in and feel like he is speaking it to me.

The silence was magical. It was like living in an alternate reality. Sure some edibles played into that (ha ha), but it was so empowering and freeing to sit in silence. To be completely disconnected. I thought I had done that before, but realized I didn’t even understand what truly disconnecting meant. To know that you don't have to engage in conversation gives your brain a minute to just relax. No texts to answer, no voices to hear, no emails to check. I felt such clarity, strength, focus, and motivation after those two weeks. An unexpected calming shift came with it. It was empowering. It was enlightening. To me. About me. I sort of re-engaged with my SELF. There were tears, and lots of laughs (apparently I’m good company), and hours to try to discover some truths and realizations about who I am and what direction I want for my life. There was also mindless binge watching. You can only go deep soooo many hours in a day, I mean come on!!

Two weeks of self-indulgence is probably not realistic for me, or anyone. However, I am absolutely instituting this in my life. Maybe it‘ll be one day/week, one day/month, or one day/year, but the lesson didn’t fall flat for me. It was an eye-opening experience, and I’m glad I listened to that nagging voice in my head that encouraged me to make something of it. And I’ve noticed in the weeks since, when I haven’t included some of the exercises (or any), I feel a little fractured. A little doubt kicks in, the sorrow starts to get misplaced. And I know those days will happen, for everyone. I’m just finding the best ways for me to navigate mine, and it seems like it was a great step in self-medicating. ❤️

Deer Valley was amazing. We hadn’t been in a few years, and it was as beautiful as the last time we were there. I have obviously been traveling a lot by myself, but not so many days flying solo in a hotel. Every meal alone, every cocktail alone, every outing alone. It was probably an important exercise for me. A reality check that if you want to do something, you just have to go do it. It actually wasn’t hard to meet people, what with my gift for gab. 😬 And since Texans are never far from full-force mountain town infiltration, I ran into acquaintances and/or friends of mutual friends. And even if I hadn’t known anyone, I could have spotted or heard a fellow Texan in any crowd. That trip was the perfect ending to my monk retreat. On the airplane ride home, I looked at C’s WhatsApp on his phone. I had never looked at it until then. There was a final text to a friend of ours. Telling him that we were leaving the hospital, that he likely had 24-48 hours left, telling him he appreciated him and thought of him as a brother. Telling him they’d had great times together and that he’d miss him. I thought I was going to be sick. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to make it through the flight. The tears were coming on fast, so I just nestled in next to the window and tried to think about what I had just read. What it must have felt like to write those words. The pain, fear, disbelief he must have felt. But also the calm and resolve with which he wrote them. Sometimes it seems that I’ll never get off the rollercoaster. Each time I feel like I’m slowly climbing up the hill to see some clear views from atop, it’s only to nosedive back into grief, at a disorienting speed. And much like a rollercoaster ride, it’s a flood of heart-pounding fear, and that sinking feeling in your stomach. But after you realize you’re still buckled in and the moment has passed, it’s the thrill of the ride and the laughter that settles you down. And grief is just that - it’s a momentary lapse where the sadness is all that you can see, but the memories remain, and laughter is right around the next corner. You just have to be willing to wait for it.

I got back to SF a few days ago from traveling to Austin, Dallas, and St. Louis. Making up for some lost holiday time. I hadn’t seen my nieces since last April. It was so good to hang out with Morgan and Lisl. We had the first night to ourselves and then their 3 Littles (Morgan’s 2, and Lisl’s 1) for the remainder. Lots of snuggles and fun together. 💕 Truly hate that I don’t get to see them every week of the year! Got my Town Lake fix, the Green Belt with Lisl, SoCo strolling, great QT with Morgan. And then it was time to head to Dallas. I 3rd-wheeled Blake and Ashley’s V-day. They are much like we were - V-day just wasn’t our thing. So Ash and I made a day of it directly from the airport….straight to mambo taxi’s and Rico salad! It was a super short visit so I didn’t get to see very many people. I did a packed day of lunch with Frannie, afternoon visit with Ashley and her cousin Katherine (one of C’s favorites), and then Mico again with Carrie, Jenny, and Ash. And that was a wrap on Dallas. Primarily bc then I had a pretty major laser treatment done, and I was not suitable for public viewing! It was my last day so we hung out with one of Ash’s sisters at her house, and then Blake that evening. Next stop STL. I looked like I was in the witness protection program at the airport. Baseball cap pulled down as low as possible, mask all the way up to the lash line (my eyes were very swollen too). The TSA guy gave a little wince when I pulled my mask down. 😂 My first flight had been canceled. Weather in STL. One of several flights that would end up being canceled. I've concluded it's a hard no for me on future February travel. Last February was full of canceled flights and this year proved to be the same. As always, I had a great visit with C’s mom. We knocked out her list of a few household chores. Things C would have done that I do now. Getting up on the ladder to clean the bathroom sconces and ceiling fans. I think Ellen’s cleaning ladies have pretty well put the kibosh on these tasks. Enter Ashley. We called the SS office - b/c that beat down requires a partner to share in the misery of gov’t depts! We did some computer stuff - that's basically the blind leading the blind. We watched some better than average Hallmark movies. We watched my face turn lobster red, my skin turn to sandpaper, and layers of it start to shed. C always shook his head at me. Eye roll included. He’d say, “why do you do this to yourself?”. Come to think of it, he shook his head at me a lot. 😂 Sidenote - my face scars have drastically improved. They are hardly visible, unless looking for them. Legs - different story. Lasered those too so fingers crossed I’ll make some headway with them. It’s vain, I know. What can I say….🤷‍♀️

Continuing on. We made food for freezer storage. Cooking for one is more of a mess than Ellen cares to tackle. She used to make C’s favorite brisket/onion EVERY time we arrived in town. He always looked forward to opening the door to smell the suggestion of hours of slow cooking. She always makes it for me. She always has a chilled bottle of white wine awaiting my arrival. We sit at the table and visit. Catch up. Conversations lead to C and often his brother or father. But she mostly reserves this time with me for C. We share plenty of laughs - covering a variety of topics. I stayed in my pajamas all day one day, because I can! We went to my SIL’s for a nice visit and a delicious brunch. Our niece was in town from college - lucky timing for me!! Our nephew came over, as well. After a few canceled flights and weather coming, I decided to leave a day early. February 🙄. We find comfort in our visits. I always enjoy my time with her. There is a framed picture of Craig, Bings, and me on my bedside table. It both breaks my heart and comforts me, equally.

It's good to be back home. And by “home” I mean SF. It’s been a busy few days catching up with friends. Maria, Nicole, and I are going to The Berkeley Repertory tonight for a musical, Swept Away. I hate musicals, but all the music was written and composed by the Avett Brothers so it’s a must-see for me. I have a busy weekend planned as well. Then next week my friend Ainsley is coming to spend her big 5-0 with me! My friend Manuel is coming the following weekend! I’m making my list of everything I still want to see and do before I leave this beautiful place. In case I never live in this city again. August will come sooner than I think. I’ve fallen in love with this city and I plan to soak up every remaining minute of it!

Hope this finds you all well,

A

Christmas Eve hike

Deer Valley

Ford, Lila, and Tia 💕

Crazies!! Ford, Lila, and Joie

Dallas - Ash, Katherine, and Ash (or as Blake fondly calls us - Thing 1 and Thing 2)