If you were a wink, I’d be a nod...if you were a seed, well, I’d be a pod

I haven’t counted the exact days that C has been gone, bc I can’t quite bring myself to do it, and frankly when I’ve tried, the number never comes up the same. It makes no sense. I’m sitting in front of a paper calendar or a digital one and each time the count is different. Maybe he’s telling me not to get too caught up in the irrelevant details, or maybe the CFO in him is jacking with me. Either scenario seems plausible.

All I know is we are roughly near the same amount of days that he was diagnosed and said goodbye, as we are with him being gone. And both, separately or cumulatively, seem incomprehensible. I hadn’t gone one single day for 21 years without talking to C. I guess I should qualify that - talking to him and getting a response. I still haven’t gone a single day without talking to him.

I couldn’t have imagined the depth of pain that would follow in his absence. And trust me, living with the knowledge of borrowed time had conjured up paralyzing grief. It didn’t even touch the surface. I don’t know how to say it other than that life without him makes my breath catch in my throat, makes me feel like I can‘t run fast enough from my thoughts or crawl quickly enough out of my skin, and it genuinely aches in my bones. Sleep generally evades me. There is a lot of coffee brewing at 3am. I “accept” that he is gone, but I find it nearly impossible to believe. He was literally JUST here. Just sitting in the chair, or getting on a plane, or texting me something funny, or forwarding a Dodo tweet, or convincing me why it was a cocktail patio night after he landed, or planning a trip, or floating in the pool, or saying something dry and sarcastic, leaving the other person briefly confused about whether it was a joke. Y’all know. The list goes on and on. It’s a different list for all of us regarding Craig. We all have our own distinct relationship, banter, jokes, dynamic, friendship, topics of conversation, love, appreciation, etc. that we share with him. No two relationships are the same. I have had the gift of some really lovely reminders of his distinct relationships with different people. I’m beyond thankful for those. I’d like to acknowledge to whom I’m referring, but y'all know who you are. And I’m really grateful for you.

I‘m sure you’ve all figured out that we haven’t had a celebration of life for the obvious Covid reason. I don’t want to have something with only 10 people in attendance. I want a a big party, lots of cocktails, lots of laughter. HE wouldn’t have wanted it any other way! That might mean not until Spring. Might mean not until Summer. I hope not. That feels so far away. But there will be something - I had started to meet with our friend Scott Cecil to plan it, but Covid took hold again and here we are.

I decided to sell our house. I would never have made this decision so quickly, but between that ridiculous buffoon at the helm and Covid, let alone the November election and possible market hit, I wasn’t willing to potentially leave our position at risk. It feels a little like the world is slowly imploding. I know he has my back on this and is proud of me for putting pragmatism above emotion. We always made very calculated decisions and our house was no exception. It was under contract within about a week. It doesn’t feel congratulatory. It feels painful. I don’t know how I will walk out the door and leave behind the physical connection the house holds to C and Bings. I see them, hear them, feel them in every inch of this house. I know I’m supposed to know that he will be with me wherever I go, but it isn’t the same as knowing he/they were actually right here. And I won’t get that back again in my life, ever. 😔 But Craig being Craig, is “high fiving me” (as Tom Barrow put it) for being strategic. And we all know C loves a well thought out plan. 🤓

I‘m going to take some time away when I hand over the keys and walk out of our home at the end of September. I need to put some space between walking out this door and walking through another. I need a moment to breathe. To process. There is a lot to unwrap and some time away feels necessary. Imperative, really. He asked me in the days we were home what I was going to “do with him“. I said through tears, “what do you mean? You’re going to be right here with me. Always. ALWAYS.“. So off we go. C and I. Certainly taking on a different shape, but he’s definitely going with me. And yes, in my carry on! He will appreciate some TSA shock value. We are allowed to joke, you know.....

C’s mom came a week ago. We planned it that way. It’s important for her to have time in this house. Her sons house. To take a nap in our room the way she did with him each afternoon when we came home In March. Again, different form, but her own private time with him. There were a lot of late nights this week sharing tears and pain. Lots of talking about and talking through. And lots of laughs along the way. A moment of levity can offer the respite needed to escape the despair. Our pain is very different, for so many reasons, but our love for C is the tie that binds. I am so glad she came. And I will continue to see her and check in with her often. My small group (including her) has been my lifeline during these months. 🙏🏼❤️

C’s birthday was about 3 weeks ago. He would have been 52. He should have been 52. Everything in me wanted to resist people and shut in, but I kept feeling reminded that it wasn’t fair to him. He absolutely deserved a celebration - to be celebrated. So a very small group of us spent the afternoon/evening together, exactly as he would have liked. Laughing, drinking, hanging out, sharing stories. Our friend Jenny Adams brought balloons. We wrote our own messages on them and after a private moment of selecting and playing a very meaningful Avett Brothers song to us, we let the balloons go. One by one. The playlist was an extensive one (I’ve mentioned our extreme musical diversity in past posts) and it was on random shuffle. While the balloons were being released, Fire and Flood (Vance Joy) came on. Of all the songs....”anywhere I go there you are, anywhere I go there you are“. Didn't seem so random after all.

It’s our 19th wedding anniversary toward the end of the month. How lucky did I get? Seriously. I got my person. My best friend. My partner in crime. I have had the love of a lifetime, and not everyone gets to say that. Those facts have yet to ease the sadness, but they sometimes serve as a reminder when moments get really dark, that he must still be here walking beside me, trying to help me along the way. Honestly, each day feels a little more painful than the previous right now. Period. There is no “but” to that statement.

What I do find myself remembering more often are funny moments, sarcastic moments, Craig-isms (as I call them), comments that would only come out of his mouth 😳, proud moments for the kind of man he was. Solid, fair, generous, whip smart, brave, resolute. Craig was unapologetically Craig and I adored that about him. I realize it might not have been so charming to everyone, but I loved it! 😏 He could smell shit from a mile away and still managed to play the game like everything was coming up roses. I envied that gift.

I’m including the birthday balloon video. ❤️ And I’m including the lyrics to a song he found years ago during the intro to Juno. It always made the rounds in our playlist. It was a mantra, of sorts, in our relationship.

All I Want Is You

Barry Louis Polisar

If I was a flower growing wild and free All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee And if I was a tree growing tall and green All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

If I was a flower growing wild and free All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee And if I was a tree growing tall and green All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride Take me by the hand and stand by my side? All I want is you, will you stay with me Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea?

If you were a river in the mountains tall The rumble of your water would be my call If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow Just as long as you were with me when the cold winds blow

All I want is you, will you be my bride Take me by the hand and stand by my side? All I want is you, will you stay with me Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea?

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod If you were a seed, well, I'd be a pod If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

All I want is you, will you be my bride Take me by the hand and stand by my side? All I want is you, will you stay with me Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea?

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire If you were the love, I'd be the desire If you were a castle, I'd be your moat And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float

All I want is you, will you be my bride Take me by the hand and stand by my side? All I want is you, will you stay with me Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea?

Thinking of so many of y’all during this difficult and stressful time, and trusting that your families are healthy and safe. I know that isn’t the case for everyone, and I continue to keep you in my thoughts. Please take care.

Hope this finds you all well,

A