I took a walk in the woods....

I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees. — Henry David Thoreau

Let me preface this by saying, I will not be subjecting y'all to any regular post updates from me. This is a singular instance that I feel like pertains to C and I felt compelled to share.

Now, back to the quote. I’ve always loved this quote, but was never quite sure of the intended meaning. It sounded wise and insightful, but I haven’t ever taken the time to look into it. I did last night when it popped back into my head after another incident we will get to momentarily (impetus behind this post). There are varied ideas behind the quote. All tied to nature and its transcendent power to impart wisdom and such. But this particular explanation resonated with me:

First, the person that has received from nature, by being in it, is strengthened. He/she has a clear mind, and peace is dwelling inside. These important elements bring strength to a person. We can walk taller, because we have the confidence we need. There is no need to be afraid, we are able to let go of anger, or any hindrance, to our internal life.

Secondly, the person that has been in the woods, can see the big picture now. The problems that did seem big, are not nearly as big as they thought. Ever hear the expression “You can’t see the forest because of the trees”? In nature this is reversed. We can see the forest now, because our spirit has grown, and we can see more clearly. We are above the trees. We can have a long distance vision.

Nature can do that. We wipe our tears,  we keep walking the path, and we realize we are made stronger and more confident than ever. Peace.

I’m going to come back to this. Give me a minute.

Within a few days of losing C, I knew I desperately needed solitude. Time to sit in our home, amongst our life, without the distraction or interruption of conversation or comfort. And luckily, my unending support system understands that about me and has respected it. Craig apparently even warned some of them not to allow it to go on indefinitely. Oh, they have their little covert operation of checks and balances, but they’ve managed it well without crossing boundaries. And as you can see, I know them just as well. 🤨

So other than a few exceptions, I have hardly spoken to anyone, let alone seen anyone. And it has been EXACTLY what I need. This week I “ventured out” a little with responding more on text and having some lengthy unplanned visits with friends. Some involved talking about C to the extent I felt comfortable, and some just provided me the distraction of friends. Tuesday was one friend, Wednesday another, yesterday was full - the entire day. Two walks with one friend at different times during the day, and an evening walk and porch visit with another. And mind you, these are among my closest of friends. There are no walls between us. Broken down into individual encounters, the visits were comforting and meaningful. As a whole, I realized last night, upon saying goodbye to the last friend, I was anxious and overwhelmed. Almost bordering on panicked. I couldn’t quite figure out why at first, until I realized it was too many hours without the stillness I need to have my “time“ with C. I texted a friend in tears telling her that I felt like I had missed a whole day with him that I couldn’t catch up on, and that all the emotion was kind of pouring into this consolidated time slot before bed. I felt the sense of control that I had sort of harnessed over the last 12 days was not there. Among other words of wisdom, she reminded me that this is new territory and I’m going to have to learn as I go. Even with that, the weight of the feelings felt paralyzing. When I went into our room and saw the tangible reminders of Craig and Bingley - my whole world and our little family both gone within a year - it left me pretty undone.

I went about getting ready for bed and for some reason looked at Facebook. I hate FB. Other than a once/year photo change I rarely participate. I bitch about it more than I visit it. I might need to think about that revelation. 🤔 When I logged on, there was a live stream video (from a few hours earlier) of a band that I follow and hadn’t thought about in years. Seven Handle Circus. I hadn’t thought about them because we saw one of their last performances in 2015. When we were semi-living in Atlanta, C surprised me one night and took me to a show at The Whiskey Gentry to see them. He was always finding new music to add to our mutual playlist. Anyway, he heard them and thought I’d really like them, and I loved them! While their regular following knew, we were shocked at the end of the show to learn that was almost it. The end. I listened to them for a while - on the CD we bought 🙈, followed them on FB, and never thought about them again. They were a raucous Bluegrass, Rock, Folk, Indie band. Think banjos and fiddles, cocktails on stage, lots of fiddling around. 🪕🎻 The live stream had been an hour+, but it didn’t start from the very beginning for me. When I clicked the play button on the video, the lead singer was doing a cover song. Peaceful Easy Feeling by The Eagles. I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears as I started to listen to the lyrics. It wasn’t even their genre. Seven Handle Circus out of nowhere singing The Eagles? The tears were flowing. I KNOW it was him helping me. Speaking to me. Telling me it’s ok. I KNOW. Here are the lyrics:

I like the way your sparkling earrings lay

Against your skin so brown (ok, maybe in the summer??)

And I want to sleep with you in the desert night

With a billion stars all around

'Cause I got a peaceful easy feelin'

And I know you won't let me down

'Cause I'm already standin'

On the ground

And I found out a long time ago

What a woman can do to your soul

Aw but she can't take you any way

You don't already know how to go

And I got a peaceful easy feelin'

And I know you won't let me down

'Cause I'm already standin'

On the ground

I get this feelin' I may know you

As a lover and a friend

This voice keeps whisperin' in my other ear

Tells me I may never see you again

'Cause I get a peaceful easy feelin'

And I know you won't let me down

'Cause I'm already standin'

I'm already standin'

Yes, I'm already standin'

On the ground

The lyrics might not have been intended the way I’m interpreting them, but I know how they are meant between us. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that he’s letting me know he’s ok, he’s standing right there with me, that I need to pick myself up....

After listening to the whole song, I went back and tried to find it again. See where in the video it was so I could hear it again. I went through the whole thing several times, to no avail. That might be due to end user error, or it might be due to something beyond. Either way, I know it was intentionally placed there for me to find. ❤️

So going back to the HDT quote....

I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees.

I believe Craig Christopher Rawls came out TALLER. I think he had a clear mind, and peace dwelling inside. I think he had the strength and wisdom to see beyond the trees. Every other quote I’ve included in entries has been about him or intended for him. I think this one might be for us to share. I still have a very long way to travel, but I’m going to try to remember to have a peaceful easy feeling as I go.

Hope this finds you all well,

A