Gratitude

Hello. Hope everyone had a peaceful and relaxing holiday - perhaps with family, perhaps not? But hopefully happy nonetheless....

My Colorado leg came to an end on December 4th. I left Vail to go to Dallas for a few days, before heading to Austin. The plan for Dallas was stay with some friends (in my quaranTEAM) for 5 days, organize the boxes/suitcases that I’m currently living out of (accommodating several climates of wardrobe), and knock out a few appts. The day before I was due to head there, our friends had a positive flu test. Full blown flu. The contagious kind. While other guest bedroom offers were extended, it seemed a last minute, fresh off a plane, unexpected 5-day stay was a bit much to push on anyone during Covid. I reserved a hotel the day before and that was the plan. The nomadic life during a pandemic has its challenges. After deplaning, I headed to baggage claim. One “I-hate-turbulence” dose of lorazepam in, a sneak-on tequila with OJ (not even sure if sneaking was necessary?), a 1:40pm arrival without a morsel of food, and only 20 people on the plane, what could go wrong in baggage claim? Apparently, my bag. So at 3:15pm, while I was still sitting in baggage claim, I decided to throw in the towel and call an Uber. I had my carry-on with C and documents (of course no toiletries or change of clothes), and that was the most important cargo. I took the Uber to the friends house where C’s car is being housed in their garage (they decided to take advantage of Covid and rented a place in CO for a year). I got C‘s car, grabbed a McDonald’s cheeseburger (indicator how desperate I must have been), and went to the hotel. Murphy’s Law - I waited out a status update on the luggage until about 7:30pm and then decided to go to Target to buy some essentials. Upon pulling back in to the hotel....you guessed it, baggage arrival. 🙄 Sometimes it feels like I’m living in the Peanuts reel as Charlie Brown with the cloud following me. I’m sure I share this cloud with plenty of other people though.

So strange to be back in Dallas for the first time. In a hotel. Honestly, I couldn’t really wait to get out of there. I’ve had some hesitation about returning to Dallas, but for the immediate future it likely makes the most sense...? Maybe those anxious feelings will diminish. I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel like home anymore, and perhaps it isn’t.

Vail was almost total seclusion. I did spend some time with a sweet friend of my aunt’s, and subsequently, a couple of her friends. They were gracious enough to include me for outdoor patio drinks/milling around one afternoon, and another outing for a long walk with their dogs. There were 5 beautiful dogs running around off leash - my kind of therapy. Other than that....me, my thoughts, Netflix, outdoor exercise, gym exercise, cooking, and maybe a little more wine than necessary. Correction - very necessary to stomach the

Hallmark Christmas-a-thon rabbit hole I went down. Have y’all seen a Hallmark movie? In its entirety? I hadn’t since I was about 25. I know this bc I can picture the apt I lived in when I last watched one. That used to be my single-gal Sunday Funday. I’d order a pizza, hunker down, and watch Hallmark. Surprising even for me back then. And still more surprising that I chose to subject myself to countless hours of it again. It’s the acting junkyard for the same 10 actors that are recycled over and over again. They use a formula that has clearly proven successful for their audience, and based on the hamster wheel I got stuck on, there is some subliminal brainwashing sprinkled in. The setup: there is always a businesswoman, always a small town business trip that only she can attend, always a hunky (clearly subjective) local small town guy, and.....cue hijinks! There is usually a do-gooder project involved. It’s along the lines of a cookie bake-off to help old Aunt Betty reclaim her championship status. The alternative storyline always involves a prince. He’s seemingly European, but from a never heard of land, very stodgy, and he always lives in a Castle. His mother is usually appalled at the ambition and American-ness of his love interest, but in the end, they prevail. 👩‍❤️‍👨 I hope I’m able to close this chapter in my life and NEVER revisit it. 😳🤞🏼

Vail was another important place for me. We’ve had many good times in Vail over the years. We were just there for my cousin Addison’s wedding - a few months before diagnosis. It was a great trip. This time I was fortunate enough to be staying at the Esteve’s place. Last time I had been to their condo was on a girls trip probably 10+ years ago. It was just as comfortable, accommodating, and with the warmth of a home as I remembered. And with the view of the mountain outside my bedroom window, it was easy to settle in to keep track of my personal thoughts on paper or voice memo. I’ve tried to document anything and everything that pops into my mind. I’ve done this since the day C left. You don‘t know how many daily details we don’t think we need to store - until you’re straining to retrieve them.

My near 3 weeks in Colorado fell over Thanksgiving. Of course time for all of us to reflect....hopefully upon life’s details that make us feel appreciative, whole, loved. Historically, I don’t know how often I take a pause. I’m not a gratitude-journal kind of person. Seemed like we were always on the go, not always stopping to “smell the roses”. C and I talked about that on occasion. That we should probably sit in the moment a little better than we did. But he was more aware and appreciative, I think. Maybe it’s bc he had the lesson of hard work. He knew the dedication it took to see things through, and benefit from that hard work. He nurtured our material life, and I nurtured our emotional one. It was agreed upon. We knew how to have each others back and pick up the slack that the other one came up short on. And honestly, with very little resentment. Resentment is too harsh a word. Maybe grievance? Don’t get me wrong, we each had our moments. I liked to say that I had a ”come to Jesus” talk with C, usually once a year. I’d hit my limit on coming out of our bathroom ready for a night out without comment. There was rarely a day that would go by that I wouldn‘t tell C how cute he was, or ask if he got any compliments on his “outfit”. I always asked if anyone told him he looked cute. He was going to work, not to a 6th grade dance. He’d roll his eyes, and answer, “no”. He might have thought I was nuts, but he was never shorted on the compliments. They didn’t come so naturally to him. Of course I assumed he thought it and was just emotionally stunted. 😜 So I’d get mad and remind him that, I too, needed some flattery from time to time. I’d always say, “I don’t need much, but seriously?”. By “not needing much”, I’m only referring to routine displays or proclamations of emotion. Beyond that, we all know I’m pretty high maintenance. Anyway, I’d ramble off a list of generic compliments as examples of what I wasn’t hearing. Usually within 24 hours he’d awkwardly start regurgitating it back to me. Earnestly. It was always so sweet. It always made me laugh. A lot. I’d say, “Ludes, you’re just repeating exactly what I said to you”. He’d shrug his shoulders and do a little “oops, you caught me” grin 😏🤷🏻‍♂️, waiting to see if it passed as acceptable. I can see him as clear as day as I write this. What more could I ask for - he clearly listened, and it always passed as acceptable.

My shortcoming (we’ll pretend there is only one) is pretty clear. Ambition?!? Or at least ambition of the paying kind. He’d sometimes joke (grain of truth in every joke 😬) over the years, “why don’t you get a “J-O-B?”. I’d say, “but I have a Job“ (pronounced JOBE). It was a little reference to Arrested Development. Gob Bluth. Y’all will either get this, or not. He’d laugh and keep repeating, “No, a J-O-B”. And so the conversation would go. Around and around.

There are so many times I can see him right in front of me, or hear his voice. I know his movements exactly as I know my own. Sometimes he is right here with me. I don’t know how to explain it - it’s so comforting and so painful all in one. But I hope that it never fades. That’s one of the exhausting things about loss. You know you need to take steps to figure out who to be without them, but you don’t want to let go of one single piece. I’m trying to find balance in that.

I am grateful for the absolute love of my life. He is my most favorite person. To have had someone that made me laugh (sometimes with, sometimes at). To have had a husband that both generously, and pragmatically, always came from a place of “yes”. There literally wasn’t anything in the world he wouldn’t do to make me happy. Anything. I’m grateful that after more than 2 decades together he’d still sneak up and pinch my booty while I was on a machine at the gym. I’m lucky to have had the type of man that would go downstairs at a hotel to get me a cup of coffee (while we waited for the room service coffee), bc he knew how much I looked forward to my first cup. Grateful to have been married to the bigger person that was almost exclusively willing to say “I’m sorry“ first. I’m incredibly grateful for his example of perseverance. It wasn’t in C’s DNA to fall short. This has served me well in the decisions since his departure. I am grateful that in the weeks leading up to his final, he made me an 11-tab spreadsheet, going through what to do. The last email I received from him was subject line: the file of everything. We walked through it twice. Him sensibly. Me surreally. Morgan (my brother) and I talked and cried a lot about him over the holidays. How he could still be so strong in his knowledge of what was to come. I heard him on the phone still talking business points the day before his final one. He had grit. He had courage to make a decision that was his own. He was some kind of special. ❤️

I looked up the definition of bravery and this is what is said: The quality or state of having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty.

On with the trip.

After the 5 days in the hotel, I headed to Austin for the next three weeks to spend time with my brother and nieces. Honestly, I was apprehensive. It was my first time to be around people, on a daily basis, in a long time. The girls are 5 & 7, and I’ve tricked them into thinking I’m the cats meow. I think. 🤞🏼So lots of love and hugs while I was there. We got in plenty of Tia/niece time, and that served me well. Morgan and I had time for some real heart to heart talks, drinks on the patio, etc. I went almost every day to Town Lake - my favorite go-to every time we’re in Austin. It’s fuel for my soul. I don’t know exactly what it is. Nature? Water? Reminiscent of college years? Whatever it is - I’m grateful for the calm it always gives.

I headed back to Dallas after Christmas on the 27th. I had a flight to Mexico on the 30th to see our friends and 11-year old niece (technically not by blood, but by heart). I was to be going to Mexico until January 30th, then spending a few days in Dallas, a few days in STL to see C’s mom, then back to Dallas before CA in mid-February. A day or two before my flight I logged on and realized my passport info wasn’t in there yet. You can imagine my shock when I went to put it in, and my expiration date was June of 2020. This was definitely Craig’s field of management! It would never occur to me to check our passports. 😳 I scrambled to do everything I could to get an expedited renewal. Houston, Dallas, even Arkansas. 3rd party expediters. No dice. Our friend Blake even made me go down to the federal courthouse to see if they would possibly give an appt (they are in high demand and hard to come by). In turn, I forced Ashley (his wife) to go with me. The lobby security guys laughed at our request, but let us go up nonetheless. We think it was likely to add to their entertainment in the doldrum of their day. Didn’t even make it through the door....stopped cold by a less than enthusiastic security guard. We did manage to sweet talk him into giving us a number other than the generic 800 line. That connected us to NY and still no solutions. Expedited passport renewals simply aren’t being given during Covid without an appt or a life/death situation. Needless to say, I had a very disappointing call to make to our niece. That trip will be rebooked after I get the new passport back through traditional snail mail/federal gov’t channels. Now I was tasked with scrambling to fill 6 weeks before the planned trip to California.

This was the decision. Grand Lake—>STL—>Nashville—>Dallas—>NJ—>Dallas—>CA.

I was graciously invited to tag along to the family lakehouse of some friends for the 3 of us to spend NYE holiday together. I followed them on the 5-hr drive so that I could go on to St. Louis after the lake. Craig and I went with them a few years back and had the best time. It was a weekend of hilarious stories, being way over-served, and getting stuck in a 7-hr drive home through thunder snow. We’ve laughed about that weekend for years. We managed to do it proud. Beyond a freezing cold walk, we pretty much stayed in our pajamas and ate and drank the whole time. We may, or may not, have had some doob available to us. That kind where you laugh so hard you start to lose track of why it started in the first place. The kind where everyone is looking at each other without being able to articulate what they’re thinking, but assuming their laughter is triggered by the same thing as yours. The kind that leaves you pausing a 1-hr show to stretch it out over 3 hours of laughter and analysis. One of our friends - we will call him John Smith (names have been changed to protect the “innocent”) believed that his insights were so thought provoking that he might need to move to a more cerebral town where people would better understand him. 😂. We would swear that Netflix’s “Death to 2020” was the funniest, wittiest, most cleverly layered mockumentary that will, undoubtedly, stand the test of time. I’ve since gone on to look at reviews. 37% on Rotten Tomatoes. Curious to go back and watch through a different lens. 🤔 I needed a handful of days like that more than I knew. I haven’t laughed that hard since it was with C when friends would come for pool days. He wasn’t a huge fan of this particular flavor of fun, but he certainly enjoyed observing it. And I have no doubt he was laughing while watching us and thinking, “morons”....

After several days at the lake, I headed to STL for a few days to hang with C’s mom. It was about 5 hours from Oklahoma. There must have been rain before a freeze bc the trees looked like they’d been flocked with icicles, the sky was gray, it even snowed a little, and the fields were dusted white. There were even those little cold swirly things coming off the pavement. It was sooo pretty. I listened to some Zeppelin, Allman Brothers, Croce. All old school. I’ve included one of C’s all time favorite Zeppelin songs at the end of this update.

Ellen and I had great time together. Laughing at the use of “irregardless” by Josh Hawley almost brought on the same fits of laughter as the previous experience had! We got several house projects done - I managed to set up a new TV, set up a new iPad, troubleshoot some Netflix issues (thank you, Morgan), etc. Clearly, I am channeling Craig! ❤️

I arrived in Nashville yesterday. Rented an Airbnb for a few weeks until the 27th. When we were living in FL, we drove to STL twice so Bingley could go with us, and Nashville was our halfway mark. We’d stay around the Vanderbilt area where we could walk Bings (and they allowed larger dogs in the hotel), then we’d go downstairs for a steak dinner. At the time, there was a Ruth’s Chris (maybe still is), and of course, it was free for C. What a win. I remember we’d throw the tennis ball down the long hall and let Bings run after it. Always keeping our fingers crossed no one opened their door in the moment he was passing them. He would have absolutely gone right into someone’s room without hesitation! We always talked about coming back for a long weekend, but never did.

When I leave Nashville, it’s back to Dallas for about 48 hours before going out East to see my mom for a couple of weeks....

Good thoughts to all of you - to your health & surviving the chaos.

Hope this finds you all well,

A