Craig’s Celebration of Life 10.23.21

Craig‘s celebration. There is so much to say, and yet not sure that I can articulate all that I felt that day. I had been feeling such peace and calm in the weeks leading up to it. Accident or not, it didn’t seem to have any bearing on the celebration. I knew sitting in the hospital, with some real challenges ahead of me, that nothing was going to derail me from going to Dallas and honoring C in the way he deserved to be honored. Honestly, I had a moment‘s pause on postponement, but it was fleeting. I am so glad that I didn't waver. It was everything I had envisioned. And I know it was everything that he and I had spoken about several years ago when we discussed the hypothetical “what if”. For those that weren't able to make it, I don’t think I’m overstating when I say the collective love and energy was palpable. Everyone showed up in the way that we had always hoped. Full of hope, and openness, and love, and reverence. Tears were shed, but mostly ones of joy or laughter. There was a shared desire to celebrate rather than be sorrowful. To laugh, and tell stories, and find common ground with strangers that one might otherwise never meet. To come together in community with a sole purpose in mind - to truly celebrate a life. The contribution and impact he made in this world, and to others. To poke fun, reminisce, follow the thread that made all of us feel tied to Craig for one reason or another.

Soooo many people have reached out to say several things:

- Their perspective on a send off, or how to say goodbye, has shifted. A neighborhood bar with cocktails and roasting speeches? Why not?? I don’t know what the right answer is. I know this was the right setting for Craig, and it will be the right setting for me. To be remembered in all our flawed glory. To have those we love, and those who love us, come together to hopefully laugh about all our shenanigans and tear up over future absences. Not because it is sad, but because we were so F-ing fun that our absence will always be felt!

- I‘ve been told that so much was learned about who C really was. That people felt like he was really there. With us. My aunt said, “sometimes rolling his eyes, but loving you for every word you said.”. Friends have said that for anyone that wasn’t aware of how special our love was, it was clear after that day. Guests that I didn’t know well told me they had a totally different understanding of Craig - hearing stories about him in a much more intimate way. After all, he could be somewhat stoic. I’m glad that for anyone that didn‘t know his funny side, this gathering shed some light on who he was outside of a more formal setting. This is the piece that fills my heart more than anything. I know how awesome he was - love that people got to see more of him. He was pretty freakin’ cool. Maria (Mrs. Rawls’ appointed reader), Mark, and Morgan were spot on with their speeches. Spoke to who Craig was, for sure!

- The last resounding sentiment was that I have a tremendous support system. I think the approximate attendee count was about 175-200. And that was after a lot of people had to decline coming, for one reason or another. It was obvious to anyone that was there that the love, support, and loyalty was from the most honest place that genuine relationships form. Some cultivated over many years, others still in their infancy. But all sincere. Y’all could never possibly know how much you mean to me. I once told Mark that Craig must be so grateful and proud of the way he‘s stepped in as a friend/protector. If there is something I am certain of, it’s that Craig feels a deep appreciation for the kindness and commitment that has been shown to me, and to our families. He shares equal credit (or blame 😜) for our luck, timing, circumstances, or fate that brought all of you into our lives. In this regard, fortune has certainly smiled upon us.

From the vantage point of the speech stage, looking out at all of you, it was a sea of warmth and comfort. I don’t know how else to explain it. It felt really intimate, there were all these smiling faces, gentle ones when things got emotional, the colors seemed extra vibrant, and the comfort it brought seeing the gingham shirts worn as a nod to Craig. ❤️ It all came together exactly as I had hoped. I was holding off posting anything until I had all the pictures and videos back from Laura (the photographer). Unfortunately, I only have partial at this point. I will post them separately when I have the link in its entirety. Quite a few people have reached out to ask if I’d be willing to post the speeches. I will include those in their written form. Obviously it is not the same as hearing/seeing them in an ad-libbed delivery, but I’ll eventually post those videos. I have yet to receive Mark’s. Last I heard it might have been floating around in his jacket pocket. 🙄😂 Guessing that request might go unanswered!

Some people have asked me if the celebration was cathartic? Brought closure? I am always hesitant to answer when anyone uses those particular words. They make me flinch. Almost recoil. I understand by definition that catharsis should provide relief, or release. And maybe the problem is I’m still not there. Unwilling to release him, us. The definition of closure is still entirely too foreign and scary for me to entertain: Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what's finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities.

Yeah, for sure not there. Trying to make my way, but not there. With certain things, I am moving in that direction. Or at least open to accepting change. That’s all I can really commit to right now. Being open. Recognizing my life still has meaning, there is still a life to be lived. Adventures and experiences to be had. Figuring out who I am, and the value in that. I think the pending celebration offered me this state of limbo. To feel like I wasn’t nearing the end. That there was still more to this process. And obviously, I know there is more to this process. There will always be more to this process. But as ready as I was for the celebration, and as much as I needed it to happen (not only for myself, but for him, family, etc.), I find myself feeling very empty. I thought I was ready to sit still and welcome a glimpse into the next phase of life. But in the stillness comes the real pain, and the real work. I think I thought that because I have remained composed and have taken care of the business of life, that I was coping well. And from my very cerebral approach to things, that made sense to me. What this time in California has taught me is that the trauma that plays on a constant reel in my mind, is just as present as if we were still sitting in the hospital. Living it. Maria and I went on a long walk the other day and I hesitantly asked her opinion about how I seem to be coping? I explained that I think I might need to consider therapy. I have such hesitation, as there are events in my mind that feel like they will never ease up. That no one can talk me through making them any less gut-wrenching. Any less real. Just talking to her about them, in generalities, without detail, made it hard to catch my breath enough to get the words out. She answered as both a friend and a therapist. Gently explaining that suppressing them, “dealing” with them by myself, carrying them, not saying them aloud….it can be extremely detrimental. She explained that in trauma therapy, specifically, there are ways to break down those events so that you can see them as pieces, rather than as whole, to better confront them. That when we carry trauma, it is like it is happening in real time. There was clearly a lot more to the conversation, but a lot of it started to make sense to me. For the first time. Holidays are not particularly hard for me. I know for some people they are. Missing him on Christmas isn’t any different than missing him on any given Tuesday. But as I have been feeling like I’m spiraling on certain days, as of late, Maria also reminded me of this time of year. Our brain's muscle memory. That even subconsciously my body and brain can react to this being our timeframe of diagnosis and all that went along with that. Being in the car driving to the ER with the sinking feeling that our life was about to change. It could have been five minutes ago. I can picture every minute of the drive. The silence. Each knowing something wasn’t right. Where we parked. How quickly they moved him into a private room. The pink post-it note being passed to the ER doctor with the blood count results. His no-nonsense admission that this was some form of leukemia and we needed to be admitted immediately. I can picture every minute of every day for the 4.5 months he survived. Every happy, every funny, and every terrifying moment. I think I’m in a new phase. I’ve moved beyond basic survival, to the unfortunate phase of rehabilitation. My own rehabilitation. Finding meaning, hope, acceptance. Visualizing some version of another life. I am making a vision board. Ugh. 🙄 Anyone that knows me is laughing at the notion of this. I’m sure C is chuckling. Sure, I believe in manifesting. Why not? I’m a big believer in the power of thought. But this is out of my comfort zone. It feels hokey. But whatever - change is good. May as well give it a go. Also started a gratitude journal. Very out of my comfort zone too. I was actually supposed to start a gratitude journal with my Dallas widows group - a group that I joined in the summer of 2020 and have never participated with beyond the first zoom call. They refer to themselves as “Wisters”. It is so well meaning, but just the language alone is cringeworthy. 😬🙄 I joined another widow/widowers group out here in the Bay Area. Not succeeding on that front either. Haven’t attended one pickleball outing!! 😂 I just don’t think I’m cut-out for these types of gatherings. Anyway, in my Dallas group (I see the updates on our private FB acct) I saw a post that said it was Day 18 of the gratitude journal. Day 18??? Oops! So I’m on Day 2…..

It isn’t all as depressing as that update just sounded. I LOVE San Francisco. I mean, I love it! I am so at home here. And trust me, I have analyzed the heck out of making sure I really love it vs using it as an escape from returning home to Texas. Nope - definitely love it. I think I feel more at home here than I ever have in Dallas. I told some of y’all at the party that I had already confirmed extending my time here, but didn’t have a chance to tell everyone. Technically, my 6 months would be up in February, but I had decided to extend it until August 2022. A full year. Six months just didn‘t feel like near enough. If I could extend for the next 5 years, I would! We will see - maybe I’ll go home for a bit with a long term plan to return. You never know. If I could pick up all my friends and family and move them here, it would be a done deal!

I’ve made friends. I hang out a lot with my friend Nicole (my golf cart accident buddy 😬). I love having Maria and Favi. They are family. And poor Favster (as I call him) gets stuck with both of us. Or sometimes Maria ditches us and he gets stuck with me! 💃They have moved to Marin (Larkspur) so I get all the perks of my place in the city and then “my vacation home” across the bridge. There are sooooo many insanely beautiful hikes to do. I typically get in a good 5-10 miles/day. There are concerts to be had, great places to eat, new places to explore….I was volunteering every Wednesday with equine therapy. Maria was doing it prior to my arrival and I got signed up. I love it. The horses, the riders. It’s a soul-filler, for sure! I’m on pause until my doctors give me the go ahead to start back. I was a spotter for the riders, so obviously my injuries haven’t been ideal to fulfill that position. Hoping I’ll be ready to resume after the holidays. My friend Jenny Adams came for a visit, Morgan/Lisl came for 5 days over Thanksgiving, still several friends on the visiting calendar. It’s been so fun!! I’m looking into starting a writing class in January - thanks to Maria’s prompting. Good to have friends that push you when you are seemingly stuck.

My injuries, or rather my healing, is progressing nicely. I am back to an almost normal diet. Actually had an apple the other day! Albeit in small bites, but an apple!! My jaw doc gave me a 3-month window until the next visit. The bad news….the severity of the 3-part jaw break has my immediate future in braces. 😩 It’s unavoidable. I’ll be able to do Invisalign. They will do some drilling of the bone/teeth (something or other) that promotes faster healing and cuts the time in half. I have had Invisalign as an adult before. I failed, miserably. I was an orthodontist’s worst nightmare. Or maybe a dream patient….because I had to keep paying for addt’l trays. 🤷‍♀️ I’ll start in January. The hits just keep on coming! I also had a good X-ray from my clavicle last week. Along with that came a reprimand that I needed to scale back on my upper body workouts. Apparently push-ups and chest presses are not recommended for healing collarbones. Ha! I am still in a wrist brace. Likely have another month with that. I am having some trouble with my knees so heading to ortho for some X-rays. Hopefully they won’t find anything. Scars are coming along. Doing everything I can to treat them - they will get better with time.

I’m heading to Kiawah Island with The Abdallah’s (Norman and Chela) and family/friends for Christmas. I had so many lovely invitations for the holidays. 🙏🏼 Hate that I’m missing it with my family or C’s, but I am so happy to be spending some QT with N/C!! ❤️ I think I'll be there for 5-6 days, then to Austin. Morgan’s 50th is on the 24th. They are going to Costa Rica, but I’ll do a post-bday celebration with them in Austin. Spending NYE-2nd in Deer Valley. By myself. It’ll be good. Pausing to close out 2021, and consciously welcoming 2022. It’s a place we loved, and you never know, perhaps it will feel cathartic to be there….

Happiest of holidays to all of you. Enjoy spending it with those you love!

Hope this finds you all well,

A

Song from my speech:

https://open.spotify.com/track/0VDhK4DIjbsAHo1GDe9VfM?si=86wh6vg6QqyaTsn52izLDQ

Ellen’s 50 things.pdf

Download PDF • 36KB

Morgan’s speech.pdf

Download PDF • 40KB

Ashley’s speech.pdf

Download PDF • 113KB